Our Giggles and Grimaces

When is Cleaning your House more than Cleaning?

2012-01-15T23:23:00.000-05:00

Earlier today I read Pamela's blog post about cleaning...it got us chatting on twitter about cleaning. And I realized how rarely I do any deep cleaning. This led me to thinking about getting the house cleaned today.

After Church, hubby and I got started. I cleaned out the kitchen and swept it, he mopped. I cleaned the babie's room, he mopped the living room and hallway. I cleaned the older girl's room, he got them ready for Awana Bible Club at Church.

I was going to head down to exercise when they left, but then got to thinking how nice it would be to finish cleaning the girls room, and get the bathroom scrubbed down. And I decided to shoot for that. And got it done in time to start dinner before the girls and hubby got home.

It all seems to mild and blase', but as you might already have guessed, things are never so easy in my mind.

I got to thinking about another time I did a lot of cleaning in a short time...and the differences.

Just two days before I fell apart and was hospitalized for postpartum depression and anxiety, I started cleaning, because I was absolutely desperate to distract my mind. I was on the verge of falling apart. I started cleaning to try not to cry. And as my anxiety increased, I was more and more driven to clean. It became a fevered pitch. In six hours I cleaned the whole house, started rearranging the basement, did all the laundry in the house, including changing Patrice out of her cloth diaper.

My mind wasn't exactly racing, but I knew if I stopped, I would fall completely apart. And I might not be able to pick up the pieces. When I e-mailed my friend/midwife about it, she asked me to let her get me more help. But I was too scared. Two days later I would end up falling apart in her office and hospitalized.

I cannot imagine I will ever forget that feeling or that day.

And hear I am 14 months later, cleaning, but this time, calmly and just for the joy of having a clean house and making my hubby happy and surprised. He does so much of the housework and it brought me so much joy to think of doing this for him, and, myself.

Caitlyn was most surprised by the bathroom "I thought when Sue wanted to look in there that you wouldn't have really cleaned it--but it was nice and clean and smells good!"

With that kind of reaction...I might have to do this cleaning thing more often!

I was going to head to bed, but started folding laundry...This will leave just cleaning my own bedroom tomorrow! Yay for a day off to take kids to the doctor for checkups and to get the rest of my house in order. Ahhh...

When has an everyday activity become much more in your life? When have you found joy in doing teh everyday?

Secret Mommyhood Confessions--Going a Little Deeper

2012-01-14T08:09:00.001-05:00

As I talked about in my post Friday, there are a lot of thoughts running around in my head. They actually bubbled up last Saturday when I started chatting with Kimberly as I thought about one of my real "confessions" about mommyhood.

I am afraid I am clinging to the depression. I am afraid I am choosing not to get better.

Now, before you think I have completely come off my rocker, moments after we started this conversation, the anxiety started to climb and I knew in my heart, I am not choosing the depression and anxiety.

But I still wonder what my role is in getting or not better. Let me explain a bit...

I have had health issues my whole life. I was born prematurely. I ended up needing glasses at age 2. An eye doctor stressed how important it was that my "good" eye be protected. I can only read out of one, so if it got hurt, he stressed how I would never read again...My child-mind quickly developed an inordinate fear of balls, basketball, soccer, baseball, etc. If I saw one coming, I instinctively ran away. It was a true fear. Based in a health concern.

Then there were various things...I got used to people relating to me in relation to my health issues. In my teens I developed balance issues. It was mistakenly attributed to allergies...so I became dependent on shots...when they didn't help, more tests revealed evidence of Multiple Sclerosis damage in my Central Nervous System. That disease can be very visible and take over your stinking life. It was an issue off and on through high school, college and into my working years. I used a cane in high school and college, was in a wheelchair off and on for several years. I did 15 hospital stays in 3 years, ranging from 3 days to 4 weeks long.

My (now hubby) and I started dating. Amazingly, he chose to marry me. He was willing to take on the risk that was life with me.

Praise the Lord, I went into remission. We started having children. I have an amazing midwife that walked and cared through the pregnancies. Then the postpartum depression came. As I have mentioned it has been quite a journey. With so many people supporting and encouraging me.

What happens when the depression is gone? And the MS is gone? And I no longer require maternity care of any kind?

My fear is people will no longer care about me. That I will disappear. Not from my kids or as a mom. I know they will always need me and that brings me a great deal of joy. But to the rest of the world...

I don't have a career that matters. I talk too much, feel like I scare people away, been told I don't know how to have or keep friends, I am abrasive. And when I am well, people in my life will gladly walk away...I will disappear.

Now please know, I am not at all reflecting on the quality of people in my life. There are amazing people in my life. Truly amazing. They will naturally seek out others like themselves.

I can understand. And I don't judge them in the least. But it scares me. I don't want to disappear.

I want my girls to be proud I am their mom. I want to be a good witness for my Lord. I want my husband to feel blessed having me as his wife.

Thankfully, in a long talk to my hubby recently, I found he sees a lot in me. I am greatly encouraged he loves me enough to want to stay married to me.

But I am afraid of who I am and how to relate to the world well and whole. Even more afraid that I am keeping myself here in postpartum depression land because of the fear. Maybe this is my fault.

I am walking a journey to learn about myself. I am terrified I will find the above to be true--that I will disappear, but I am hopeful my hubby's view of me is accurate.

I am linking with Kimberly for Mommy's Secret Confessions.

So Much Swirling in My Head

2012-01-13T06:47:00.000-05:00

The last week has been kind of big. Not in earth shattering changes, but in conversations that needed to happen, personal realizations and an understanding that I have a lot of work ahead of me.

Have you ever had a week like that, where you know you have changed. And yet, the world around you just keeps going, moving. And you can't understand why no one else is feeling the same emotional earthquake as you?

This is one of those weeks.

And it is good.

I am not quite ready to share all that has shook my world, but here's a bit:

1. I am glad I am doing therapy along with medication.

2. I think sorting things out, while uncomfortable, will make me more confident in my healing from depression.

3. It is a valuable exercise in your marriage or close relationships to have the other person describe you, who you are, to you. I was blessed beyond words to hear how my husband views me. He sees a me that gives me so much hope for today and the future. He sees a me that is capable of growing and reaching. He sees a me that I can envision him wanting to stay married to.

4. It is a hard comfort, but a comfort nonetheless, to spill some "truths" you know about yourself and have the hearer say, "I hear the depression talking." My first reaction was to take it as a brush off of how I am feeling, but then I thought, no, if these truths I know, aren't true, I am going to walk in more wholeness and healing (some day).

5. You never know, when you wake up, when a day is going to turn into one that involves some heavy thinking and conversations.

6. It's really good to hear that someone is seeing the effort you are putting forth in a challenging area of life.

7. And, to not be too crazy serious, it is WONDERFUL to see muscle developing where you've never seen it previously.

I am linking up with

Life Ever Since.

Making Changes...

2012-01-11T20:06:00.001-05:00

Changes. It seems like there have been lots of them!

I started weight watchers right before Thanksgiving, and before I go any further, I have to tell you this week was my best weight loss week, at 2.6 pounds, which brought me to 10.6 lbs lost since starting.

I think a big change that helped with that is drinking water. I am not the best water drinker...but have commited to drinking 64 to 80 ounces a day... And Monday, the day before my weigh in, I pulled it off.

I eat a lot of fruit and veggies. A lot! More than I have ever before! It feels good to be able to eat something when the idea strikes me...as long as I choose any fruit or most veggies. My newest veggie love? Mini sweet peppers. They are all different colors and look like banana or hot peppers, but they are really, really sweet. So much so that my hubby, who doesn't like peppers, is rethinking his opinion...

As I have mentioned, I gave up diet coke. One of my BIG loves. I did great for a couple months. I have been struggling since Christmas. I have to admit I am waffling on that decision. But today I indulged in what used to be my normal daily intake and it made me very uncomfy...so I am going to try and get back on the "wagon."

What changes are you making or considering to better your health?

Come over to Alicia's and tell us about it!

Multitude Mondays and the Joy Dare: 271-281

2012-01-09T20:31:00.000-05:00

I am continuing in my journey of counting my blessings, seeing God in the little and big gifts.

Ann Voskamp has challenged us to continue, and it is now called the joy dare. My hope is to dig deeper for the joy in all, big and little.

I find the majority of my joy is not from the big events, but the little. From

271 (10). how Patrice lifts her eyebrows as she nods her head up and down or side to side

To

272 (11). coming up with a new game to get the girls to clean their room with minimal fighting.

273 (12). another lady in the church nursery being willing to change all the kids before they were picked up.

274 (13). ability to laugh when kids are throwing fits.

275 (14). listening to daddy teach scales to oldest daughter on the piano we were given.

276 (15). knowing people that know people who have the skills we need.

277 (16). being able to change from telling someone I am ok, to I am good!

278 (17). getting compliments on my weight loss.

279 (18). days at work that go quickly.

280 (19). access to clean water for baths, cooking, drinking, playing. Read Ann's post here about water and it's value.

281 (20). friends to share the embarassing moments.

For what are you thankful?

Join us here in counting the joys.

When the Mitten is Unseasonably Warm

2012-01-07T17:48:00.000-05:00

I don't normally post twice in one day...but hey, since the post I did earlier is probably a repeat and it is my blog...

This winter has been so mild here in the mitten and just odd. Tuesday it was 21 degrees, Friday it was 55 degrees!

Today was 40+, so what do Michiganders do when it is warm...get outside!!!

we took the tree to the park for recycling

Then Caitlyn got in some fun (don't tell Sue who slept through it all)

Mommyhood Confessions--I Don't Mind...

2012-01-07T08:44:00.000-05:00

As a mommy I think I am supposed to want my space. And sometimes I do. Sometimes it is uncomfy having all three kids piled on top of me in the chair. And when Sue was still nursing she would go through these phases where if I was in the room she wanted to nurse. I would sometimes hide upstairs in my bedroom to get a break from her nursing.

I gather from social media and jokes you hear that I should want my time in the bathroom alone. That I should want to go potty by myself. And a few days of the month, I do! But most of the time...I don't mind them coming in when I am in the shower, or even going potty. I don't mind them being in there when I am brushing my teeth or doing my hair.

My mom didn't have a big issue with it either, so I think that is part of it. Also, I am away from my girls all week while at work, and I do get to potty alone there (I work in a male dominated industry and there are very few women in my area). I try to pack in a fair amount of time with my girls when I am home. And I have found some interesting convos happen in there. (Besides the obvious, not so interesting, ones)

We have talked about God and why He loves us. Why we need to make good choices. How much we love each other.

And all in all, I just don't mind...

What are your mommyhood secrets? Head over to Kimberly's to share.

*another confession? I seem to vaguely remember writing about this before but I am too lazy to go check...

Weight Loss Wednesday...A Few Hours Late

2012-01-05T06:50:00.000-05:00

My weight loss journey...

It has morphed in some ways, but primarily my motivation is my girls. Caitlyn, Sue and Patrice. I want them to learn healthy choices now so they won't struggle with their weight their whole lives. And even bigger portion of that is my exercise. I really want them to learn exercise is fun, something we do and a normal part of life. Nothing brings me more joy then one of the girls asking me to go running with them or to go down to our "gym" downstairs. They love exercise and I love that!

It has grown in some ways as I have dealt with postpartum depression since Patrice was born. Exercise is my best weapon. It gives me a framework for my mental health, and so I exercise.

Somewhere a long the last couple months, I have gotten so used to my exercise regime, an insanity workout in the morning and running or biking in the evening, that yesterday I felt like a slacker when I only did my morning workout and I feel a bit wimpy today for just doing a few exercises and not today's planned video...(I will do it tonight though!)

What motivates you? Write about it and share over here.

Word for the Year

2012-01-03T20:05:00.000-05:00

I have been seeing various posts about a word for the year. And I am working on jumping on board...I am going to link over here. My word is...

Discipline

I might hate myself for choosing that...but honestly, having a plan and checking things off brings me a great deal of peace.

As of late, I have been doing fitness challenges that spell out what to do by when. I love the motivation it gives me and the sense of accomplishment. I have even recently added a 1/2 marathon that I will do May 20.

I am finding accomplishment in following an eating plan through weight watchers. I feel good making quality decisions. It helps me make sense of my choices.

But the third area is the most important. Our pastor challenged us Sunday to read through the Bible from beginning to end this year. I can see this one being the hardest to do...though I did get caught up tonight. But that is the thing, I already had to get caught up. That makes me a little sad.

Yet should it? I am not setting out to be perfect, I am setting out to discipline myself so that I might improve...never reaching perfect, but getting closer.

1 Corinthians 9:27

but I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified. (New American Standard Bible)

Won't you join me this year as I grow in discipline?

...

Multitudes Monday 262-270

2012-01-02T10:13:00.001-05:00

I have been doing laundry like crazy. I like to wash all clothes we get as gifts and then get them folded and put away. I've got most of the washing done...now for the folding and putting away. We were given so much for the girls that I think I am going to pull out most of what is currently in their drawers and give them all new fresh options!

So do I pack away all we currently have for the next child...the bonus of having three of the same gender, or do I realize we truly have enough put away for a mega family and donate some of what we have? It's a hard choice.

Am I offending people who have given us so much if I give away what they have previously blessed us with? Am I being a good steward of resources if I keep them? Or am I just being selfish and hoarding if I box it all up just in case we need it later? (FYI, part of this thought process comes from watching an episode of hoarders last night)

Hmmm...

I'm really not sure what to do...

So for now I will begin with being thankful:

262. an abundance of clothes for my girls

263. massive abundance of toys for my girls

264. my girls truly don't know what it is to want or need

265. family collecting pop can tabs, box tops for education and cambell soup labels so we can donate them to help others (Ronald McDonald House) and Caitlyn's school (box tops and labels)

266. a new exercise challenge to get me moving again

267. a hubby who changes diapers (almost) willingly

268. cute baby nods and smiles

269. nutella on bread

270. time with cousins and family

Out with the Old, In with the New

2012-01-01T20:44:00.001-05:00

Okay, here is another one of those posts...I wanted to do pictures, but can't figure out how to get them from the back up drive...I know, first world problems. But I have included a few pictures I love...

In 2011, I ran further than I ever thought I could (10 miles at once).

Struggled harder with mental health issues than I thought possible.

Loved having three little girls to the moon and back.

Worked harder as a parent and employee than I ever imagined.

Wondered when the days would get easier.

Counted my blessings often.

Relied on friends, both in real life, and in social media more than ever.

Discovered new facets to my personality.

Found old hurts still fester.

Tasted sweet, sweet joy.

I am linking up with Robin at Farewell Stranger.

What Can I Do for my Health?

2011-12-28T09:01:00.000-05:00

As you know, I have been exercising a lot. I started with running, my first exercise I ever enjoyed; and that has opened to other things I enjoy...Insanity Workout, biking, crunches, I am in love with exercise. It is helping me tremendously with my moods, with my satisfaction in myself. I also want my girls to learn that exercise is fun and something valuable.

I've probably gotten obnoxious with how much I talk and blog about it...but hey, I just can't stop myself. Sunday, at Christmas, I was talking to my nephew about it. He is in medical school and finds amazing resources on-line. And he passed this one on...

I hope you enjoy it...

A Blissful Day 250--261

2011-12-26T22:04:00.000-05:00

Today, I had to take my oldest to the dentist for fillings. I thought she would be pretty freaked out, so I told her afterward we were going shopping.

The dentist is very impatient and declared he could only do one, she was too fidgety...blah, blah, blah...but we got one. She was so good. And it just kept going. We headed to the mall. We had some Christmas shopping to do (as I will head over to my family later this week to celebrate).

We started with some clothes shopping for a niece and nephew. It was so fun picking stuff out with her. Talking, Giggling. Having her listen.

Then we got a pretzel, once her hour had passed and she could eat. And on to two more stores where she helped me pick out gifts, her tastes run a little expensive in the toy store!

When she got tired, she said, "let's find some place to hang out." And started hinting at the play area. I said, "you just want to go play." "That's what you think mommy." Then a little later, she said, "you're right mommy, I do want to play!"

So we did for a bit.

Then off to do more errands. And finally, lunch. I decided to treat us to a real, grown up lunch. Too bad I chose something neither of us ended up liking to split...ah well. We got it sorted out. And then to head home.

It was a joy and a pleasure to spend the day with my Caitlyn. Oh, the heartbreak I felt when I got home and the bickering, whining and crying started up with all three girls. I LOVE having my three. I wouldn't change it for the world. But I do wonder, sometimes, if we are raising them correctly. Is it supposed to be so hard to have peace with all three of them together? Are they supposed to bring out the worst in each other? What are we doing wrong???

I am so thankful for today:

250. Fun and bonding with my oldest daughter.

251. A nice Christmas.

252. Singing Happy Birthday to Jesus using a cake I decorated!!!

253. Running 10 miles without stopping.

254. Finishing a fitness challenge.

255. Signing up to run a half marathon in the spring.

256. Hugging a good friend at church on Sunday.

257. The generosity of family to my girls.

258. A green Christmas.

259. The support of my hubby and friends during a rough bit yesterday.

260. Still being here a year after writing this post.

261. Singing, "My Hat it Has 3 Corners" and thinking of my dad.

Won't you join in counting for what we are thankful?

Christmas Adventure

2011-12-23T18:49:00.000-05:00

As I mentioned, we had planned to go cut down a tree and have real adventure getting a real tree rather than using one of our artificial trees.

We had an adventure alright but it consisted of cleaning up a baby in the parking lot of a store after she got sick all over herself. Sigh...

But we did find a beautiful tree at a flower market.

Patrice took a nap while we decorated but she enjoyed cleaning beforehand

Running Like Crazy

2011-12-21T12:59:00.001-05:00

UPDATE--I FINISHED THE WHOLE CHALLENGE A DAY EARLY!!!!!!!

I know it has been quiet here on the blog...

As you may know from twitter and facebook, I have been running, and crunching and pushing up and biking and insanitying like crazy. All in the name of a fitness challenge...I know I keep talking about it. I love it, but man, it is taking up a lot of time lately. Thankfully my dear hubby is very supportive of my fitness work. He has done most of the parenting and family stuff so I can run, ride, crunch, all of it. Only 2 1/2 more days.

300 crunches, 5 miles running and 72 minutes other activity (Insanity workout) to go...It is a crazy balmy day for the first day of winter here in the mitten so I am even hoping to get outside to run tonight. I don't prefer running in the dark, but I don't want to miss the chance to be able to say I ran outside in the mitten the week of Christmas.

So please bear with me for a few more days as all I talk about is working out...

I promise I will share pictures of our Christmas tree, as soon as we get a computer up and running at home...

Merry Christmas!

Random Thoughts Today

2011-12-17T23:18:00.001-05:00

Life has been all over the map lately. Just over a week ago I could not see a way out of a very dark hole. I asked my hubby if he would find someone else to love if I didn't make it. He said no. That makes me sad. I would want him to find someone new. My husband is incredible. He deserves to have a wonderful, strong wife.

Here we are a week later, I am in a much better place. I found a new doctor. I think it's a good fit.

I have been kicking butt and taking names at work. And there is only one week left until some time off for the holidays.

I have been exercising like crazy. It helps on the dark days. I think I am getting addicted. As I have mentioned before, a co-worker challenged me to a fitness challenge between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I never dreamed I would do it, but, if all goes as planned, I will be done with it on Friday morning, 2 days early! I have completed the 500 pushups, and 50 miles on bike. I will have the crunches done by Wednesday and the other activity by 6:30 Friday morning. And somewhere in there I have got to be able to pull off 20 miles running/walking. I did 5 tonight. I just have to get those 20 miles in. This is the biggest fitness anything I have ever undertaken. And I have it within reach. Me, mom of 3, never ran a step until my 30s, used to be in a wheelchair, me. I just have to do it.

We headed out on an adventure as a family today to cut down a Christmas tree. We got all bundled up and started the rather long drive. About 1/2 way there we stopped for lunch. While we waited at drive thru, Patrice started throwing up. That makes two of them now randomly throwing up, Sue started on Thursday. But it is the weirdest virus ever, they act perfectly fine at all times, except when throwing up. No fever, still laughing and playing, just not eating much and then whammo. I hope it stays mild and passes quickly.

So anyway, back to the adventure. It just didn't seem right to drive another 40 minutes to cut down a tree, so we opted to find one at a flower market in the area. The older girls picked it out. It is a balsam fir. They did a great job choosing it. I have not had a real tree since High School, hubby hasn't since Middle School. I didn't realize how much harder it is to get the ornaments to stay on the tree. With artificial you just bend the branch up...doesn't quite work like that with a real tree. But we had a great time trimming it and are loving the smell. I took lots of pictures and even remembered to have hubby take some of me with the girls. (Patrice slept through the whole deal). Yes, I will post pictures, just not tonight. Suddenly, I am very tired...I can't imagine why...

60, A Number Not Reached

2011-12-16T05:58:00.001-05:00

My dad would have been 60 today. But I lost him a little over 7 years ago in a single car crash.

My dad was a hardworking, friendly, outgoing, chocolate cake loving, twizzlers licorice addict.

He was an exacting disciplinarian with high expectations, but you knew what they were. There was no guessing on what would make him happy, what would disappoint him.

I remember as a kid if I wanted to go play at someone's house, or go do something, that his first question would be, "are your chores done?" It was incredibly rare for him to say I couldn't do something fun if I could say "yes, all my chores are done."

And if I paid attention, I could learn to expect other things from him. When I was 13 I bought a horse. My dad expected the horse to be ridden every day, and the stall cleaned each day...It was hard to find time to do both every day, but I quickly learned, if I got up on Sunday's before church to go ride, my dad would clean the stall out while I rode.

When I got older and started driving, I paid for my own gas. I hated it when my dad would ask to borrow my car, until I figured out that if I said yes, he always returned it full of gas no matter how empty it was when he borrowed it. I started hoping he would borrow my car! And that was when gas was just over a $1 a gallon. If you were still with us daddy, I would let you borrow my car all the time!

I wish he were here for lots of reasons. He would love my girls. I think, while he would think my running was silly, he would also be proud of how far I have come in my journey with Multiple Sclerosis.

I think he always believed in me, even when I thought it meant he didn't understand what I was going through. I think maybe he could just envision more than I could, past the current challenges, to a stronger future.

And though right now I often feel weak and beaten, it is a stronger future than I often imagined as a child. I have an amazing husband and three incredible girls. The future I always wanted.

Thank you daddy for loving me, for believing in me.

Happy Birthday!

Baby Talk with Story3girl

2011-12-15T07:12:00.001-05:00

I have met many lovely ladies on twitter, via the twitter #ppdchat. Story3girl is one of those. And I have loved hearing how she signs with her baby. I used to be an interpreter for the hearing impaired, and I rarely remember to use sign with my girls..I have done better with Patrice, but not near as well as Story3girl.

Check out her post here and then her blog, Sometimes Its Hard.

body

I wish I could talk to my baby.

Okay, perhaps that's not entirely accurate. I talk to her a lot. I mean, she's the only other person around all day, so I pretty much talk to her constantly. I just wish she'd talk back.

So instead we sign.

When Baby Girl was a newborn, I read about baby signing and was immediately sold on the idea. I get to communicate with her? It prevents tantrums? It improves her vocabulary and maybe even accelerates her speech. Boom. So almost immediately, I started signing to her. Just a few words at first, and whenever I remembered. By the time she was 6 months I was pretty consistently signing "milk," "diaper," and "all done." This is a piece of cake, I thought. I'm so on the ball, she'll be signing in no time. I'm a genius at this baby thing.

Not.

By ten months, I had decided we were complete baby sign failures. No matter how much I signed, no matter how much I tried, she showed no interest in signing back to me. For months, people had said to me, "Oh no. You don't need to worry. Mine didn't start signing until 8 months. They say 9 months is average." But, people, she was 10 months old. And nothing. Was I doing it wrong? Was my baby broken?

Then, one day, when she was about ten and a half months old, Baby Girl signed "more." At first it just looked like she was clapping, instead of bringing her fingertips together, but she was clearly doing it in response to the question of whether she wanted more. She was actually trying to tell me something.

It wasn't smooth sailing from there. For the next couple months, "more" was the only sign she made, and she didn't make it consistently. She still found it easier to get what she wanted by screaming or by throwing her high chair tray. And when she did sign more, it was still indistinguishable from clapping. Once again, I was frustrated. "Use your words. . . err, word, Baby Girl." I was sure we'd never get this right, and I'd be doomed to signing purgatory FOREVER.

Except not.

A little after her first birthday, she had a signing explosion, just like the books said she would. She signs "more," "food," "milk," "dog," "ball," "duck," "all done," "mommy," and "daddy." The past couple of weeks she's been signing "baby." A few times I've seen a confused sign that resembles "diaper" right after she's, ahem, used her diaper. She doesn't sign "bed," but I'm pretty sure that's just because she doesn't want to....

And it's amazing. It doesn't prevent the screaming 100% because, let's face it, my girl is a bit of a drama baby, but it does help both of us to figure out what is necessary faster. If we're playing and she signs, "eat," I can get her into her high chair before the tantrum sets in. And while there are definitely days when I ask whose idea it was to teach her the sign for milk, I do prefer it to her ripping my shirt off or biting my shoulder.

It's amazing to see what's going on in her head too. She recognizes that her pink stuffed dog and grandma's living,breathing pet are the same thing. She could tell that a rubber ducky was the same thing as her blanket ducky. But she thought every animal she saw at the zoo was a "doggie," even the panda bear. (Even the emu, which she could not be convinced was a "bird.")

Sometimes, I'm convinced, she messes with me. She will sit in her high chair and sign "more" "all done" "more" "all done" She will sign "eat" "duck" "milk." Sometimes when we're out,she'll just start signing "baby" in her stroller, when there's no one else around - no doubt, to remind me that she is, of course, my baby. When she doesn't know what she wants, I think she just runs through her entire lexicon of signs, hoping that one of us will figure it out.

Now go check out her blog, Hard to Mommy...

And I don't always. I try, sometimes probably too hard, but I don't always get it right. And that's okay. I'm just glad that she's starting to hold up her end of the conversation.

Working, Working, Working--WLWed

2011-12-13T22:56:00.001-05:00

Depression is a pain in the butt. A big one. You can't wish it away. Believe me, I've tried. You can't pretend it's not there. Tried that too. You can't outrun it, but...well, you might be able to get a bit of relief with exercise. At least I can.

I took up running after Sue, and before Patrice, was born. I loved it then. I now know it was the Lord preparing and providing help for me as I slug through the postpartum depression.

Lately, I have been upping my activity. Saturday I ran my first 10K race. I finished in 1:21:33. A 13:08 minute mile. I know, nothing to write home about, but I ran every single step and I was not the last person to finish.

I have also been taking part in a fitness challenge at work. A co-worker has a friend who is a personal trainer. Her friend gives her clients a fitness challenge every year during the holiday season. It consists of 500 push ups, 5000 crunches, 50 miles running/walking, 50 miles biking, 500 minutes other activity.

Currently, I am over 50% done with pushups, running, and biking. The most challenging one for me is the other activity. But I have hopefully turned that around. I found a set of the Insanity workout by Beachbody on Craigslist for a good price. I started it yesterday. And got up early to do it this morning...The goal is every morning...

What are your exercise goals? How are you reaching them? Do you need a workout buddy to keep you on track? What type of exercise catches your attention?

Check out Confessions of a Snowflake for more encouragement.

Dark and Quiet--243-249, Multitude Mondays

2011-12-12T21:32:00.000-05:00

I know the blog has been a little quiet lately, and the posts I do share, a little dark, but that has been life lately. I have been quiet, except to beg for help as the depression and I go another round.

Last Thursday I reached a level of despondancy I have not known in many months. I cried like I haven't cried in a long time. And that brought an eery calm.

Have you ever been afraid of the calm and the quiet? It is a scary place to be.

But the Lord is not leaving me there. He has brought so many to walk with me. He will give me strength I do not have in order to continue to fight this demon of depression. Thursday I will head to a new doctor, actually a team of doctors. I am scared. I am scared of the questionaire, I am scared of sharing my story again. I am scared of trying another therapy and having it not work. And yet, I will walk. I will walk when I would rather hide. I will speak out when I would rather be quiet. I will fight for my girls. I will show them mama loves them enough to go another round with the doctors and depression.

And I will be thankful:

243. the love and support of my hubby. He posted this comment, under my name, on my blog last Saturday--

"Right now my Honey is running a 10k. As I will not really understand her bad days and is hard for me to FIX IT because I am MR. FIX IT ya know. All I can say is I Thank the Lord for you and am in WONDER as I watch you DOWN one moment, then crawling out of the hole to run a 10k or do laundry or get yourself out of bed to start another day. Sweetheart I might not understand but thank you for telling me when you are stuggling so I can pray FOR the Lords help because HE is more powerful than any dark hole. I will listen to HIM as HE gives me what I need to support you through..... LIKE A HUG!!!! (sorry) As I said I do not understand BUT I love you and am so proud of you!!! NOW run girl like you have never run before. Good job Luvy!!!!"

244. The ability to run. 6.2 miles. I was not the fastest by any means, but I ran every step.

245. The swans I saw flying overhead as I ran.

246. The Christmas music the residents of Holly played for the runners as we made our way through the race.

247. The continued support of so many who love me, even when I am not lovable.

248. The wonderful Christmas pictures we did as a family on Saturday.
249. Running with a friend.

A Million Times Over

2011-12-10T07:05:00.000-05:00

As many of you know, I have really been struggling with the depression issues that started after Patrice was born. The battle has been intense and is not over. I am pursuing a new doctor and follow up on some other health issues that may contribute.

In the meantime, I am fighting for my girls. I am fighting for all of them. They are worth every moment of the fight. And while, the beginning of my issues coincided with Patrice's birth, believe me when I say I would go through this a million times over for just one moment with her.

A MILLION TIMES OVER

Self Care and a Mama's Alarm Clock

2011-12-06T07:38:00.001-05:00

Sometimes things pile up on you. This week has turned into one of those. So, I sent out a call for guest posts. My lovely friend, Lauren, from My PostpartumVoice, was gracious enough to send me a wonderful gift; Let me share it with you.

The alarm clock screams out at you (read: your three year old is screaming at the top of their lungs because YOU’RE NOT AWAKE YET AND DEAR LORD GOD I NEED COOKIES RIGHT NOW SO GET OUTTA BED ALREADY, MOMMY!) as you cover your head hopelessly with a pillow in a futile attempt to ignore your human alarm. Snooze button kicks into motion as knees and elbows plow into every hard part of your body, feet too.

“Ok. Ok. I’m up.” Muttering, you stumble to the bathroom, then the kitchen to get cookies because hey, maybe it’ll keep them quiet. There’s nutrition in cookies, right? Right? Turn on the TV and pop on a movie. There. Parenting at its finest, right?

Wait. There’s something wrong with that picture, isn’t there?

What did you do for you? Anything? One could argue giving the kid cookies and putting on a movie was for the sake of your sanity. Perhaps, but do you have food? Drink? Are you watching a movie you like too or just one that the kid likes but is more like listening to Fran Drescher on helium for you?

Self-care does not have to be some huge long-drawn out and expensive process. It can be as simple as your favourite beverage. A movie YOU like to watch too. Sharing the classic flicks with your kids is precious and character building. Sure there are day to day tasks we must complete. Why not make those tasks as pleasant as possible by infusing them with a bit of self-care? Cleaning? Use one of your favourite scents while doing so. Laundry? Pay attention to how the fabric feels. Child care? Use your child’s innate sense of humour to fill up your laughter tanks. Laugh with them.

If, however, you don’t find yourself wanting to do any self-care at all, and instead you’re gloomy, dragging, and struggling to find the light in even the simplest things, it may be time to talk to a professional about your mental health. There’s no shame in reaching out for help. If you or a loved one are feeling suicidal, call 1-800-273-TALK or reach out to @unsuicide on Twitter. There’s always hope.

What I Need

2011-12-05T20:38:00.000-05:00

Have you ever wished for anything as a mother? A maid, a chef, a personal shopper? Tonight I wished for a videographer.

Caitlyn and daddy had been humming a song today. Caitlyn remembered it was from the Muppets. Daddy asked me to search for it on You Tube. A little vague, but as we looked, he remembered, it was part of the original theme song.

Took a bit of looking, but then we found this fun:

And who could resist checking this out:

That led to clicking on this song:

And that's when it became a dance fest in our house. (Caitlyn takes after her daddy for those who remember Disco Bob).

We also danced to some Macarena, which mommy does remember how to do, but it got a little difficult when Patrice wanted picked up.

There were several other dance tunes, to which we all had fun, and I wished for another person in my house to be our videographer, because tonight was something I need to see over and over. Tonight was fun we need to have more often. Tonight is what you fight for when all fight seems gone.

Thank you to those who are helping me fight. Thank you for carrying me right now as I search for my own fight.

Thanks

2011-12-04T19:53:00.000-05:00

Thanks to everyone who has believed in me and supported me over the last 16 months. I wish I had been a better return on your investment. Sorry.

Saturday Snapshots--Bunches of Random

2011-12-03T21:05:00.000-05:00

Please also pray for my friend Ali and her family.

Weight Loss Wednesday and a recipe with photos (ippp)

2011-11-30T19:36:00.001-05:00

I am trying to better balance motherhood and working full-time outside the home. My hubby carries so much of the load, with being the first one home from work and just being his wonderful self, that I wanted to figure out how to help. Enter my crockpot. I have been scouring for recipes that will work for the family and my weight watchers diet.

Recently I did a crockpot recipe search on pinterest and found this website. And decided to try this recipe for Sue's birthday dinner.

Here is the ingredient list I came up with:

1 jar reduced fat pasta sauce
8 ozs. italian style shredded cheese mix
1 pound lasagna noodles
3 cups fat free cottage cheese
1 lb cooked, 93% lean ground beef
1 can mushrooms stems and pieces

Brown meet with spices in a frying pan, drain fat, stir in pasta sauce, simmer for a few minutes (don't rinse or throw away pasta sauce jar).

Put some meat mixture on the bottom of your crockpot, then a layer of noodles (they will have to be broken up to fit in), then a layer of cottage cheese, mushrooms, and a layer of cheese, repeat. The original recipe calls for adding fun veggies, broccoli, spinach, etc., but I forgot or didn't have them on hand.

taken with my phone camera :)

Cook in crockpot for 4.5-5 hours on high. About 30 minutes before it is done, cook up a few extra noodles on the stove, layer those on top of lasagna at the end of cooking to tie it all together.

It makes a lot. About 8 servings, and comes out to 10-11 weight watchers points plus per serving.

I liked it, hubby liked it (has been taking the leftovers to work) and the babies even liked it! It is higher in points values than I normally eat for dinner, but I budgeted through the day so I could have some for my sweet girls' birthday dinner.

They are, after all, why I am working so hard on my health; my weight, my exercise and my cholesterol. I want them to grow up knowing good choices are a natural part of life. That exercise is something to plan, look forward to and enjoy. I am looking forward to those results for myself, but as I watch my girls, I get drive to continue when I might quit otherwise.

But, I am going to take a bit of Alicia's advice, and remember, the laundry, dirty dishes, messy rooms, will always be there, so I will take the time I need right now to exercise and make wise eating choices.

*Weight watchers update, I lost another 1.2 lbs, for a 3 week total of 4.8 lbs.

Check out other tips

The CAKE--Pinned it and Did it!

2011-11-29T07:13:00.000-05:00

Sue decided she wanted a unicorn cake for her birthday. Last year, daddy did an impressive 3-D dinosaur. He wanted to just buy a cake this year, but mama got it in her mind that we needed to do this unicorn cake...

Pinterest to the rescue. I found several options. We chose this one.

For My Sue--242

2011-11-28T21:51:00.000-05:00

I am so thankful for my Sue. Four years ago today we welcomed her to our family.

Some quotes from today:

"I think a birthday bouquet would be nice."
"A special thank you to you mommy, because I know you got me this present."
Favorite part of her fourth birthday "getting to eat in the living room."

What a precious wonderful four years it has been.

We love you! Jesus loves you!

Happy Birthday!

For what are you thankful? Come join the count.

A Departure From What I Normally Share--May This Video Encourage You

2011-11-26T14:53:00.000-05:00

Hubby found this video on You Tube and it deserves lots of sharing!

It is worth the effort to read the subtitles.

Grateful-5 Minute Friday

2011-11-25T09:30:00.000-05:00

On Fridays around these parts we stop, drop, and write.

For fun, for love of the sound of words, for play, for delight, for joy and celebration at the art of communication.

For only five short, bold, beautiful minutes. Unscripted and unedited. We just write without worrying if it’s just right or not.

Won’t you join us at The Gypsy Mama?

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.

2. Link back here and invite others to join in.

3. Most importantly: leave a comment for the person who linked up before you – encouraging them in their writing!

Today's Topic:

Grateful

I am grateful for so many things. I am grateful to the Lord for giving me a husband who loves me completely, and three beautiful girls. The doctors had told me for so many years I would never have kids. And here I am with three, the desire for more.

I am grateful for every step I run. 15 hospital stays in 3 years, two a month long each to learn how to walk again, and here I am, running. I'm getting ready to do a 10k (6.2 miles) run next month! I remember teh day I was working so hard in therapy to learn how to walk again. It was slow and not pretty. They had my dog with me. He got bored waiting for me and laid down. He can't do a whole run with me now.

I am grateful for how far I have come in the last year. Postpartum depression and anxiety was hard. Really hard. Every step hurt my heart and my soul. I don't even know how many times I asked if I would actually survive it. And I am. Dare, I say I am thriving? Yes, I am. I have so many people to thank for that--my midwife, hubby, friends, family, #ppdchat mamas. So many.

I am so grateful.

What are you grateful for? Come share!

Haven't Forgotten Weight Loss Wednesday and #workingforlessjunkinthetrunk

2011-11-23T19:46:00.000-05:00

I truly haven't forgotten about Weight Loss Wednesday or #workingforlessjunkinthetrunk. Not by a long shot, but today has been crazy. I actually have three things going on right now. Pie and beer bread to make. A house to clean. It's crazy.

But, a huge plus, my 5 year old just put away all the dishes in dishwasher and rinsed and loaded the dirty dishes. She needed very little help. Wow, wow. Two hours ago that kid was making me crazy. Now, wow, all I can say is wow...

But back to my weight loss journey. I lost another 1.6 pounds this week to bring me to a total of 3.6 lbs for the two weeks I've been doing weight watchers. If I can get another good week, I can hit my first 5 lbs lost next week. Talk about motivating. Even with Thanksgiving and a Birthday in that week. I can do it.

Right now I'm trying to decide whether to do my regular apple pie (11 points) or try a weight watchers recipe (6 pts). Or to make the "regular" pie for the family and make a chocolate mousse pie I found that is 6 points for me (and my sister-in-law who is a chocolate lover!). What to do?!

I ran about 2 1/2 miles tonight and plan to get out there tomorrow morning. Friday I am starting a 5 week fitness challenge with a co-worker. I've done the challenge once before, but am hoping to hit more of the goals this time.

How are you doing? What are your fitness or diet goals?

Check out other's plans and thoughts here.

Thanksgiving Project from Pinterest

2011-11-22T06:47:00.002-05:00

I don't really "get" pinterest. It has never once let me pin something. Not once. But it does let me like things. And I did find some things to like.

And a friend does a pinterest project link up on Tuesdays, so here I am.

Here is my project that fit the bill!

First the girls and I talked about what pilgrims were and why the came here, to be able to worship God freely in the way they chose.

Then the chocolately fun began.

Each hat goes together like this:

One fudge striped cookie, stripe side down, cover with think layer of chocolate frosting, put one miniature reeses peanut butter cup upside down in the center, put small dot of frosting on front center of peanut butter cup, attach a reeses pieces.

And Voila!

Gettng Ready for the Holidays 234-241

2011-11-21T20:30:00.000-05:00

I finished reading 1000 Gifts this last week. It took me about a year. It has never taken me that long to read a book in my life. This was a very hard season in my life to be reading this book.

To be thankful in the pain of postpartum depression. It was hard. Some weeks I could not bring myself to do it. Other weeks my heart was full of thankfulness, but I could not put it into words. Often, my heart was working so hard to hang on, it couldn't be thankful for little things, it had only room to focus on those things that had guided my heart through another week.

I often stood in front of my computer struggling to remember enough of the week to list those things that caused my heart to give thanks.

There were weeks it was honestly impossible for me to read. I assumed it was a failing of me. That I wasn't praying hard enough or trying hard enough. It wasn't until I was at an appointment and the person I was talking to said, "you can focus to read?" No, no I could not. It wasn't me, it was the illness, the depression and anxiety.

Thankfully the days of not being able to think clearly are getting much further apart, and most of the time, it is just minutes that I struggle through. I was able to begin reading again. And pressed through Ann's book.

And now I shall work more dilligently to see the Lord's hand in the big and the little.

234. Girly giggles as they do a Thanksgiving project.

235. Baby girl shreaks as she learns more about the sounds she can make.

236. Colorful vegetables ready to go in the crock pot.

237. A dog willing to the eat the pot roast my girls think tastes like chicken.

238. Babies toddling around with Daddy's Bible.

239. Illness moving quickly through the household, not tarrying.

240. Upcoming family festivities.

241. Bright colorful foam stickers made into hair adornments.

What makes your heart glad, leads you through the skinny times? Come join us in counting 1000 Gifts.

Two Awesome Books --And I Know the Author

2011-11-20T19:51:00.000-05:00

I'm linking up with my friend Jaime again this week.
The Hiccupotamus and The Chuckling Duckling are beautifully written and illustrated children's books by Aaron Zenz. I would say that even if I didn't know the author/illustrator...but I do, which makes them even cooler.

I have known Amity, Aaron's wife, since before they were dating. We went to college together. I remember when they started dating. Then I lived around the corner from their first apartment after they got married. They are an amazing couple! But enough about them, truly the books themselves stand on their own merits.

The Chuckling Duckling is a great book that teaches kids animal names. Names I had never heard, like Cria, which is a baby Llama, and the familiar, puppy, which is a baby dog. The illustrations are spectacular. This book is not only educational, it is cute!

And we can't forget the Hiccupotamus about a hippo who gets, you guessed it, the hiccups. His hiccups make a mess for a lot of his friends, so they set out to get rid of them...

The art and color in this one is breathtaking. Some of the words are tongue twisters. Trust me, you will love it!

Both are available on Amazon. My friend Ali has an affiliate link if you are looking to do some shopping!

Playdough Fun

2011-11-19T22:38:00.001-05:00

A few weeks ago the girls and I tried to make a play dough recipe I found on-line. Disaster is the only appropriate word. So, I put a call out on twitter and facebook for a recipe that would work. A college friend responded. The girls and I finally tried it today. And it turned out FANTABULOUS. My friend gave me the go ahead to share, so here goes!

This is a no cook recipe so great for doing with the kids. They can help with all of it!

Vinegar Dough

3 cups flour
1 cup water, a bit more if necessary
1 cup salt
1/4 cup oil
2 Tablespoons vinegar
food coloring

Mix all ingredients together, if it is a bit dry, which mine was, add water very gradually after that original cup. It only took a bit to get it just right.

Not a bad picture Caitlyn!

The girls played happily and quietly for quite a while. It was a huge success! And somehow, we managed to make ours the same color as one of the play-doh colors they used to have (found residue in some of the toys).

I have it in a freezer storage bag. I'm curious to see how long it lasts! If it keeps, I think over the holidays, the girls and I will make a few batches for Caitlyn to take to school!

And here's a link for how to get the food coloring off everyone's hands (from mixing it, not playing with it)

Torn, Which Blog Hop to Do?

2011-11-19T11:52:00.000-05:00

You all know how much I love

This lovely lady and her great blog hop were a lifeline when I was searching for reasons to hang on during the depths of postpartum depression and anxiety. It is now my privilege and honor to pray for her family as they walk an extrememly hard journey of brain cancer with their eldest son. Every week I think of pictures I can post, even when Ali is, understandably, unable to post.

And this week I actually wanted to post one from LAST Thanksgiving that popped up on our computer earlier this week. Tpo bad I can't find it...sigh. I will find it and I will post it, I promise...

Here are some sweet ones...

And then I stumbled upon this blog and her fun hop. I love the idea of linking up some of my posts that got overlooked....

Top 5 Posts:

1. Our Cozy Kitchen

2. More Thankfulness

3. Cider Mill Snapshots

4. Fall Thankfulness

5. Super Birthday Fun

Head on over and see what others have in their blog!

Lessons in Helping Others

2011-11-18T12:00:00.001-05:00

I was given the opportunity yesterday to volunteer at a local food help organization, Gleaners. It was an amazing experience. And it was heartbreaking. I was looking at this food and realizing how much it would bless the people we were packing the boxes for, and mourning how picky our family and kids are about their food.

1. I felt guilty being at a food bank and being overweight, thinking how I would be going to the store to spend extra on food to help me loose weight. I do need to lose weight, as pictures from the event proved, but it seems selfish to have gotten myself to this point.

2. I was amazed at the generosity of people, organizations, and food corporations in America. A heartfelt thank you to everyone.

3. I was also amazed at some of the things people donated. Half used boxes of stuffing mix, peanut butter and macaroni and cheese are not helpful. Neither are water chestnuts.

4. All items used in food boxes must have a nutrition label on them.

5. Dried goods, spaghetti, oatmeal, noodles, are all great things to donate. So are items that are good sources of protein, peanut butter, tuna fish, kidney beans, beef ravioli. Breakfast foods are needed. If you donate cake mix, please donate frosting as well, same with peanut butter and jelly. They try very hard to have complimenting items in the box.

6. I can take my older girls to volunteer. The coordinator has worked with kids as young as 20 months old. You can drop in to volunteer any Saturday 9 to 2:30 starting in January. You better believe we will be there!

7. Getting involved and helping was a great learning experience and a lot of fun!

8. I will find a way to make this a family tradition.

What have you learned lately? Link up with Life Ever Since.

How to Follow Up?

2011-11-17T07:21:00.001-05:00

Yesterday's post was hard won and personally very cathartic to write. Thank you for all the amazing comments, support and love. I am excited to be able to move from feeling like a failure to looking with pride and joy on Patrice's birth.

Today is World Prematurity Day. I have seen that popping up on twitter and facebook and was thinking, but I have nothing to write about concerning that day. I am blessed that each of my girls came full-term, two of them with a little extra baking time even.

Then it dawned on me, I was a preemie baby.

I was born 6 weeks early a *few* years ago. My mom went into labor after a volleyball got spiked into her stomach and knocked loose a piece of my placenta. The doctors told her even if that had not happened, I had run out of room so would have needed to be born very soon.

So there I was. And back then, 6 weeks was a lot to be early. They did an emergency c-section, whisked me off to the nursery and so began a 3 week stay in the hospital.

I cannot imagine how hard it was on my mom to have all this going on. To be given conflicting information on if she could nurse me, to have baby away from her most of the time and then to go home without her little girl. Oh boy. They wanted to keep Sue for an extra night when she was born due to jaundice and I went ape on them...the thought of weeks...wow.

Then she brought me home and at 4 lbs 5 ounces, no baby clothes fit. Thankfully a neighbor lady saw my mom's plight and fixed up some doll clothes for me to wear. What a rough start for my mama. No wonder I'm an only child...or does that mean my parents reached perfection the first time and didn't need to have anymore?? :)

My heart goes out to the mamas whose babies come early. I have seen friends work through it, and it is hard. There is so many emotions as they wait to see how their babies will fare physically and mentally after their early arrival.

March of Dimes works to end prematurity. Won't you check out their website? Get the facts, get involved? Babies all over the world thank you!

Lost Some Sleep

2011-11-16T06:50:00.004-05:00

I lost some sleep last night. But I am hoping it will mean improved sleep in the future.

Patrice is 15 months old. I love her to pieces. I do not love the postpartum depression and anxiety that came with her. Yesterday was a bad one. The weight of anxiety settled in my chest. My thoughts went haywire, the panic level rose and rose and rose. It came, it hit, it suprised, it scared me.

Now, I've known since the day she was born there were some things I regretted. Bear with me here. I had planned an all natural, unmedicated birth. Her labor was by far the most intense of my three. I swear each contraction started at my toes, shot up my body and overwhelmed me. I knew yelling was counterproductive, but the birth was so primal, I yelled. I used the birthing tub, my midwife did counterpressure, hubby counted through each contraction and swayed with me.

And yet, toward the end, my midwife offered me nubaine through my IV. I accepted. They got 1/2 a shot of medication in and had to stop because Patrice's heart rate dropped. Then started a very intense pushing phase. Patrice was stuck, her cord was wrapped around her head, shoulders and neck. I would push, her heart rate would plummet and she wouldn't come down.

I remember hearing my midwife ask for an operating room to be opened. Then I heard her say "push, push for your baby NOW!"

Out she came. Blue.

My midwife cut her cord, she turned pink and was yelling.

I have struggled with feeling like I failed. I told my midwife shortly after her birth, "I know I will regret the decision to take the meds, but it was wth right decision."

Promptly, I forgot the right decision part and was consumed by the feelings of failure. I have struggled with that ever since.

Many people have told me I did a good job. My midwife, and she would know, huh? My hubby, but what does he know about birth? My midwife told me she hoped I could some day embrace my birth. That I did a great job and could stand tall about my unmedical birth. Recently hubby and I talked about it again. He so patiently reassured me. He said, "I saw Patrice when she came out, that cord was all over her. It was a struggle. Maybe your body knew it needed the medication to get her out. [Midwife] and I talked about it, she asked me how sta-dol had helped you with Sue's birth, we decided medication might be good. You didn't, we did. You never asked for it, we offered it."

I still heard failure in there. I still heard me needing, not able to get Patrice here without help. I felt some better, but the pain was still there. Until last night.

He's right, I never asked for it. I wasn't on the verge of asking for it. People I trust greatly, offered it. I trusted them before then, and after then, why not then? Of course, then. And it did help me get Patrice here, without a surgical birth and safely. She was in distress. I had to push without the help of contractions. Simply by sheer force of will. And I did it. If that little bit of Nubaine allowed me to birth her safe and sound, then I did the right thing.

That thought process may not sound like much, but it is so freeing to me, it caused me to almost wake up my hubby to tell him, late at night. I wanted to call my midwife and spill it all to her, again, late at night.

A weight has been lifted. I can now embrace Patrice's birth. I may have lost some sleep last night, but I have turned a corner.

Then

Now

Pouring my Heart Out with ShellThings. And Thought Provoking Thursday with Some Girls Website. And Serenity Now's Weekend Bloggy Hop. And Write On Edge's Weekend blog hop.

#workingforlessjunkinthetrunk week 2

2011-11-15T22:04:00.000-05:00

Ahhhhh. First week of weight watchers down. A lifetime to go, but it is nice to have the first week down. And to have stuck with my changes and choices.

Lots of changes. Traveling this weekend. Not as much exercise as normal. It could have spelled disaster. But it didn't. I did okay. I lost 2 pounds. Not too shabby. It could have been worse. Much, much worse.

I love how weight watchers has you break it into smaller goals, 5%, then 10%, so on and so forth. But they are still kind of daunting. I have been gaining and losing the same 6 pounds for the last year. I have lost these two more times than I care to count. I am a little nervous they are not gone, just messing with me again.

How do you battle the fear? How do you move past the pounds you have gained and lost over and over again?

This week's weight watchers meeting was about how to deal with Thanksgiving. It is a toughie. One of the first things they mentioned was setting your goal--continuing to lose, stay steady at current weight or even plan for a gain. My goal? To keep losing.

Are there people in your life who are changing their food choices? Won't you encourage them, help them? Add lots of veggies and fruit, without dressings and creams, to the menu. Don't take it personal when they choose to pass on some of the treats, know they are just doing what they need to so for themselves.

What are your goals, what is your plan?

Linking up with Weight Loss Wednesday and Working for Less Junk in the Trunk.

Coziness of a kitchen and thankfulness 226-233

2011-11-14T19:32:00.000-05:00

I am standing in my warm kitchen with my hubby and three kids. Caitlyn in playing with play dough. Sue and Daddy are making salads and Patrice is watching all the activity while playing with a toy.

Caitlyn couldn't be left out of the salad fun!

We are blessed beyond measure. We have food, clothing, our needs are met. Do we wish we had more? Yes. Do we have needs that we wish were more met? Yes. But all in all, we are very, very blessed.

This is a knowledge we need to pass on to our children. I wonder often how to do this. Christmas gives us so many opportunities, but what will the understand, what will they grasp?

Over the last many years, I have gotten involved in Samaritan's Purse Operation Christmas Child by packing shoe boxes for them to give to children all over the world. This year it is time to have the girls help me pack the boxes. I am going to take them to the dollar store to pick out items to go in a box. I want each of the girls, well okay, Caitlyn and Sue, to do one and pray for the child who will open the treasure box. And this is the week.

This is National Collection Week. Won't you consider getting involved? You can search for a collection point, suggested items to give and all necessary instructions on Samaritan's Purse.

So thankful for:

226. love in my kitchen

227. coziness and warmth as fall settles in

228. support and encouragement of my husband

229. amazing generosity of my family to my girls

230. accessibility to health care

231, abundance allowing me to give gifts

232. possibilities

233. listening to my hubby teach my girls

234. days off work

235. piles of laundry to be folded because it means we have clothes to wear

For what are you thankful?

This attitude of gratitude also works in well with this weeks Self Care Challenge. It is to find 3 three things every morning you are thankful for, and doing the same every evening. Head over to Real Mom Experts.

Book on CD--Outlive Your Life

2011-11-13T20:53:00.001-05:00

We went on a trip to see my family this weekend. That is a 5 hour drive each way. I was going to work on the books I mentioned last week, but hubby had a better idea. I bought him Max Lucado's book Outlive Your Life:You Were Made to Make a Difference for Christmas last year, and his CD player promptly died in his car. So he hasn't listened to it yet.

He suggested we listen to it on our drive. I actually was a little bummed, but whined internally. We started listening.

It is fantastic. It uses examples from the New Testament Church to talk about how they followed God, how he used him and changed them to change the world. There are also a plethora of modern day examples of people using their skills, passions and hearts to impact hearts, people and nations. It also challenges us to take our lives and impact others, to fill a need where we find one, to stick with our calling.

We got through 3 CDs, 1 to go. I am yearning to finish it. Now I have to decide whether to finish it on my own or wait for hubby.

I am also thinking about all we heard. How can that change how I live my life? How can I help the hungry, the homeless, the needy? It made me think a lot about this post from Erica at Off My Mama Rocker. It made me think how she is living the truth of Outlive Your Life through her love for this man, raising her children and her work as a birth doula.

That is how she impacts the world, how can I? I dream of getting involved with Lauren's work for mama's with postpartum depression. I've talked about her dream. I haven't forgotten and my mind still goes over and over it. One thought that has come to me is, as I get better, getting involved at a local level in helping mamas with postpartum mood disorders.

I envision a support group that involves meals. People open up over food. And what mama struggling with postpartum issues wouldn't like to be pampered with someone else providing her dinner? I don't mean a potluck, because mamas at that point in life don't need another burden or task, they need someone to care for them. Food is a universal message of care, love and healing.

But how well do I need to be before I take on a support group? What can I do in the meantime? How can I help those in need? How can I get my family involved? How can we bless people in the name of Jesus in a practical, real way? How?

How do you brighten your part of world? What need do you have that someone else could help you fill?

If, by any chance, you would like to get ahold of this book, it is available through Christian Book Distributors.

Outlive Your Life: You Were Made to Make A Difference - Audiobook on CD

By Thomas Nelson

On Pentecost, the Spirit came down and ignited the hearts and minds of believers to preach the gospel and live out justice for the forgotten. Max Lucado wonders, Might it happen again? Does God still free hearts, minds and bodies from the ravages of sin and poverty? The answer is yes! He does it through you, and in Outlive Your Life he challenges you to make a difference that will last beyond your time on earth. Take a stand for children, widows, and families who only need an opportunity to live. Unabridged.

One hundred percent of the author royalties from Outlive Your Life products will benefit children and families through World Vision and other ministries of faith-based compassion.

4 CD's, Unabridged.

Saturday Snapshots

2011-11-12T00:49:00.000-05:00

It is Saturday, very early Saturday, but it is still Saturday. I have been up messing with photos. I had a groupon that expires, well, today and a coupon code for photo posters, that I got from this fab blog, that expires Sunday, so that meant I had to get them USED! I am absolutely exhausted, but thought I might as well continue with pictures. Here are some of Patrice playing her first musical instrument!

Head on over and see how you can pray for my friend Ali.

So Many Thoughts...

2011-11-10T22:20:00.000-05:00

My thoughts are kind of all over tonight. They've been that way all day. And it's been awhile since we had a random thoughts post, so here goes.

Today is the second full day on weight watchers. I packed the same lunch as yesterday. It fits well in my points and I like it. But was frustrated to be REALLY hungry this morning. Why wasn't today's lunch working out like yesterday. I sent out a call on #wlwed, and got some pointers from a sweet twitter friend. She talked me through some snacks...and then it hit me, I had forgotten to eat half of my breakfast! I had my no sugar added breakfast shake, but had forgotten to eat my breakfast sandwhich when I got to work. Oh boy!

Also had an open mouth, insert foot moment today. Another lady in the office was drinking a slurpee and somebody said, "watch it or you'll get a brain freeze". She said, "oh no, you get rid of that by putting your tongue on the roof of your mouth". To which I responded "are you full of crap?" Everybody in the office busted out laughing, she razzed me for being so bold, and I choked on a piece of walnut I inhaled while eating my foot. She swears it works. I say that is solving an age old problem, too bad I learned it after starting weight watchers. Do I have any volunteers in bloggy land to try this out and let me know if it works???

It snowed today for the first time this season. And not just little bits, but some pretty decent snow flurries. This of course required everyone on the freeway to slow down from 80 to 45 then 40 and finally 25 miles per hour. I was suprised at how much it there was for the first snow of the year. Caitlyn was excited. Sue, not so much.

Patrice is now a full blown walker. None of this step here or there, but a "hey, I'll walk across the room to you" walker. She was showing off her skills after dinner. She had just eaten. I had JUST nursed her. I was so excited to see her walking, I picked her up and started tossing her in the air. She laughed, so I did it more. Then we stopped, then she threw up on me. Best part, I couldn't figure out why it was so liquidy, until Caitlyn said, as I was cleaning up vomit, "maybe you nursed her too much." Yup, I'm a third time mom. How many kids do I have to have before I learn the lesson to not play catch with them right after feeding them? Maybe that's why the Duggars keep having them, they are waiting to learn that lesson? (BTW, no judgment for them here; I'm more jealous than anything, I would love to be surrounded with the crazy madness of a mega family!)

I forgot to take my meds last night. Today was a little more intense emotionally, but I made it through. Quite well actually. Very well, if I do say so myself. It showed me I'm not ready to be med free, but I'm getting there. (Thanks to the dear friend who was there to walk through emotions with me today).

Yesterday a twitter friend did this post. Can you make her recipe and report back? I'm pretty sure one bite is my weight watchers points for the day! And while you're there, could you encourage her a bit? She is rocking this mommy gig and needs to know that!

And now I shall leave you with these amazing moments of cuteness...

Yes, that is Patrice in the top bunk of the girls' bunkbeds

Caitlyn with a homework assignment

Sue sleeping on the kitchen floor

iPPP and Works for Me Wednesday with a bottom twist

2011-11-09T06:12:00.002-05:00

Over the last few weeks I have been working on a project. Kind of a big one...rehabing 15 of my pocket style cloth diapers. I was blessed enough to have a friend give me her stash of cloth diapers to use with Patrice. I have added a few items, but it kept nagging at me that there were a lot more of them that I was not using because the elastic was stretched out and they tended to leak.

I follow a lot of cloth diaperers on twitter, so I started asking questions about rehabing them. One person clued me in that Cotton Babies, the makers of Bumgenius, sell a refreshing kit that includes new elastic, pre-cut, and new aplix (velcro), also pre-cut, for $1 a packet and they don't charge shipping!!!!

Another mama friend sent me a Youtube link for a video of someone fixing their diapers. I watched it many times.

Finally, I started ripping out the stitches to get at where I needed to put in the new elastic. It was torture. I didn't have a clue where to start. I got so frustrated. I broke a seam ripper. I called a seamstress friend to see if I could hire her to do it. Chickened out from asking her. Kept at it. Picked a different diaper to try...Bingo!

Got one opened up. Then to sew. That part only took 10 minutes. And I had a wonderfully snug fitting diaper.

Over the last few weeks I have continued to rip out stitches. Friday night I got all of them opened up. Saturday I actually got a couple sewn.

Here is how it went down:

Turn diaper inside out. Look closely at your diaper to see if there is a spot where the elastic is exposed. Those are the easiest ones to work with.

See the loope of elastic sticking out?

You rip out a few stitches at each end of the wasteband elastic. Maybe an inch or two at each end.

Then rip out an inch or two of stitching at each end of the leg gussets. When all is said and done, you will have exposed elastic at 6 places in the diaper.

Snip off old elastic where you started exposing it. Then sew the new elastic on to the diaper where the old is showing or started. Pin the unsewn end of the new elastic to the cut end of the old. Go to the opposite end of that gusset, pull on the old. It will pull the new in and through. Make sure it goes in flat and doesn't twist.

Cut old elastic off, sew new elastic on. Repeat on other side. Sew seams shut. Try not to sew the elastic as that will reduce it's stretchiness.

Next, turn diaper right side out. Rip stitched out of old elastic side tabs. Sew one of each of the sides of elastic to it's "partner". Just sew the rounded part, leave the bottom open so you can sandwhich the diaper itself. Finish sewing the tab onto the diaper. Sew the square laundry tabs over the old ones. The new ones are bigger and the old ones are SOOOO sewn on, just covering them is your best bet.

Look at your beautifully rehabed diaper!

See Patrice sporting her rehabed diaper? You should see the proud mama!!!
*this picture was taken with my phone :)

Check out other posts here and here.

Working for #lessjunkinthetrunk Week 1

2011-11-07T20:55:00.001-05:00

Tuesday is a new jumping off point...I am going to really tackle my weight, getting to a healthy place, a comfortable place. It has been a huge example to my girls as I gave up diet coke, then caffeine and sweets. They are little militants about it when they see me take liberties. Which is a good thing.

Now they are going to see the next step. I am rejoining weight watchers. They have meetings at work. And now that I work a full forty hours a week in the office, I get a lunch time. On Tuesday's that lunch time will be weighing in and learning the tools to get over this plateau. I've been losing and gaining the same 6 pounds for a year. I hope to get past this and never see this weight again, unless we have another baby, which has happened the last two times I got to a goal weight. But that is an entirely different matter.

This time I am joining two of my #ppdchat twitter friends, to #workforlessjunkinthetrunk.

Here goes, the jumping off point...

I am linking up with Healing Mutti.

And with

A few of my goals are:

Reducing my LDL cholesterol

Getting rid of my muffin top

Being able to run a half marathon (13.1 miles)

And I would love to be a size 6 again...

34 pounds to lose...

Blah, blah, blah 216-225

2011-11-07T05:53:00.001-05:00

This week, really the last few weeks, have been full of illness. Colds, ear infections, pink eye, toe cramps--that last one caused lots and lots of tears...LOTS! I am hoping this week we get a break. Because, wow, I just can't even think about what new things would be coming. But, through it all, I've been thankful that the illnesses plaguing us have not been big sleep disturbers or overly painful for the girls. I think it has been much, much harder on mommy and daddy. For this, I am thankful:

216. We are done with eye drops for the older girls.

217. Baby lets us do them without much fight.

218. The drops work quickly to relieve the discomfort of pink eye.

219. Girls actually let us sleep in a bit on the first day without daylight savings time.

220. Heart-to-heart talk with hubby that was very healing and encouraging.

221. Folded and put away laundry.

222. Having too many clothes for our dresser drawers.

223. Baby grocery shopping easily.

224. Clean bedrooms.

225. Continued encouragement from friends.

Books, Books Everywhere!

2011-11-06T20:43:00.000-05:00

I love books. My family loves books. My husband says I have a library. He's not far off.

Then I had kids. I have been buying children's books since before I met my husband and kept all of mine from growing up.

I buy the girls books. my family buys the girls books. They have books. Lack of books have never been a problem. Storage is a whole different situation. We haven't had room for all our books since Caitlyn was first born...

Until today...

I have done very little reading this week, but I did buy a new book, one on how to lower your cholesterol. I feel so old...but I found out this week that my LDL cholesterol is high...Ugh.

What have you been reading?

Life Lessons--Random Style

2011-11-05T10:12:00.000-04:00

Here I am again trying to figure out what I learned this week...This week was kind of a blur of illness. Well more than a few weeks. It started with Caitlyn getting an ear infection. Which apparently my body thought was fun, because I got one too. Then while I was still on antibiotics for that I got something on my leg that swelled, got hot and bruised...turns out I had an allergic reaction to something that bit me. Sigh.

Then came hubby and I's anniversary weekend. We went on Saturday, the day before our anniversary...good thing because Caitlyn woke up with pink eye the next morning. Oh the horrible screaming she did when we put the drops in, then a few days later Sue started with the goopy eyes, and three days later, Patrice. Just for kicks mommy and daddy got colds and finally, yup, today I woke up with the beginnings of pink eye.

So, I guess our life lessons are about colds.

1. Sending your oldest to school introduces lots of new germs.

2. She might not be the only one to get sick from all her "sharing."

3. Adults can get ear infections.

4. Adults can get pink eye.

5. Eye drops in little girls eyes cause such fits you would think they hurt.

6. The drops do not hurt, they actually feel good.

7. Cough syrup makes my head feel woozy.

8. Being woozy is better than coughing like crazy.

9. Having two sick parents in the house is no fun.

10. My husband does not have a sister wife or a spare wife that we can call on for parenting when we are sick.

Those are my life lessons. What are yours?

Halloween Fun

2011-11-02T06:43:00.002-04:00

Pre kids I swore I was not going to celebrate Halloween. If I ever had a family, we would go out to dinner and ignore it otherwise. Then I had kids. And dressing them up was so fun and they were so cute...I caved. We don't dress up as witches because witches don't love Jesus, and we do not celebrate the spiritual side of the holiday at all. We dress up and we go trick or treating. And we hand out candy. This year we put John 3:16, For God so Loved the World He Gave His One and Only Son that Whoever Believes in Him will not Perish but have Eternal Life on full-size kit kat bars. I pray this starts dialogue in some of the homes.

Without further ado, here is some of our cuteness from this year...

Linking up with iphone photo phun! and Halloween Boo.

Taking a Deep Breath--201-215

2011-10-31T06:53:00.000-04:00

What a week it was. The ups and downs of postpartum depression and anxiety continue, but Glory to God, even on the rough days there are hours of good. Hours, not moments, hours. And during the rough, there is help and support. There continues to be a loving midwife/friend who answers my e-mails, wonderful mamas on twitter, #ppdchat, who check in, answer my calls for help, bloggy mamas who took time on their blogs to share encouragement for a tough anniversary this weekend, friends who hug you close and celebrate getting to know you during the hardest year of your life.

201. Really accessible doctors for when pink eye whips through the girls.

202. Freedom of saying, I can't do this.

203. Hubby who steps in at that point.

204. Repairing cloth diapers.

205. Welcoming new babies.

206. Patrice taking her first independent steps at 14 months and 23 days.

207. Life is Good shirt to celebrate a hard anniversary.

208. Words of affirmation from hubby.

209. Bloggy world hugs.

210. Twitter hugs.

211. People with skin on them hugs.

212. Pictures from school events that I can't attend.

213. Sleeping babies.

214. Listening ears.

215. Baking pies and cookies.

Sweetness, Crazy, Crazy Sweetness

2011-10-29T09:13:00.000-04:00

Nutella...

Nutella!

Yum Nutella!!

Nectar of the gods, Nutella

No bread, just nutella!

There's the great Pumpkin

Really

See my butt...er...bottom?

Did you see the great pumpkin?

I'm telling you he's there...

Did you see him?

THERE HE IS!!!!!

Today. Today is good. Today is better than I ever dreamed life would be. A year ago life was harder than I ever thought it could be. A year ago today I went to my midwife and asked her to take my kids home and love them. Because I didn't? No way. Because I loved them so much but could not figure out how to be mommy to them. My anxiety was so high. She let me cry and got me help. A year ago today I spent 24 hours in mental health institution. It was hard, really hard. And I can't really tell you that story today. I can't go there today. But know today is so sweet. Especially since today, a year ago, was so hard. Please know if you are dealing with a postpartum mood disorder, there is help, there is hope. It won't be an easy journey, but it is worth EVERY.SINGLE.MOMENT of the hard. If you are walking the hard, please check out my page of postpartum resources, read my posts under depression, contact me on twitter at @signingcharity. Reach out. You'll be glad you did.

Also head over to my friend Ali's and see how you can pray for her and her family.

A Short Rant--Witches and Jesus

2011-10-27T20:42:00.000-04:00

I'll try to keep my rant short.

I did not want to send Caitlyn to public school. I knew we would end up hearing ideas I did not like. It's not that I don't want her to be well rounded and grow up to be a critical thinker. I do, but I also want information she is given to be balanced. Time given to different ideas to be equal, with all sides presented.

I knew it wasn't going to happen, but that doesn't mean I'm not disappointed and upset with the situation.

In case you didn't know, Monday is Halloween. For the last month she has been bringing home papers, books, stories and books related to Halloween. Yes, we do trick or treating and carve pumpkins, but we are careful to talk about what we believe as it pertains. For example, we do not dress up as witches because witches don't love Jesus.

So let me tell you how thrilled I was to have my 5 year old tell me all about two witches and how one came to the other and was upset. The one told her she didn't have to be evil, but she said that was what she was made to be...there was more and with every word my heart sank.

Not because I think she is now going to turn to wicca, but because I know in December she will not spend a month preparing to celebrate the birth of Jesus. That will be considered taboo because it might offend someone. That will be silenced because it might upset people.

In the name of tolerance I must accept her hearing about witches, but that same tolerance is not extended to Jesus.

That ruffles my feathers. What ruffles yours?

Just Under the Wire--Handiwork Photos

2011-10-26T21:03:00.000-04:00

My phone keeps telling me it's full and that I need to switch memory, but I don't know how. Yes, I have the manual. I've been carrying it around with me for a week so I can look up how to change my memory. Some day I'll get it opened and then another day I'll actually read it. For now, I'm a little light on phone pictures, but I do have one for this week...

This is hubby's handiwork.

So my hubby is very handy and practical. He and Caitlyn were having trouble with their shoes coming unglued...so he glued them last night. This is what I saw after "surgery."

Both declared their shoes well this morning and wore them for the day. Hubby said tonight, "it worked!"

More of daddy's handiwork

Patrice's handiwork which will cause daddy to make a bookshelf at work tomorrow

Some of God's handiwork.

I am linking up for iPhone Photo Phun. Come check out other fun posts.

What handiwork have you seen lately?

Damn Dog

2011-10-25T06:25:00.001-04:00

Hubby did bedtime routine last night while I moderated #ppdchat on twitter and then did a conference call for work with collegues in China. They all headed to bed. It was late and dark. Almost quiet in the house. And the doorbell rang.

My heart skipped a couple beats. I hoped hubby would come downstairs to answer it, but then was pretty sure he couldn't hear the doorbell. What to do.

I prayed it wasn't a polite robber or mass murderer wanting in my house as I walked to the door. I opened the door...and saw a shadow of a guy holding my dog.

"Damn dog!" Yup, those were the first words out of my mouth. That was the second time yesterday a neighbor had returned the little escaping houdini dog. Grrr....

Ha ha ha. "Yeah, I was taking out my garbage and I heard this rustling noise. Kind of scared me."

Would have scared me to bits, but thankfully this guy was a little less timid than I, found the source of the noise to be my dog and returned him. I thanked him and went back to the safety of my kitchen. Hubby came down toward the end of this and got my version of the story.

I even admitted the "damn dog" greeting. Hubby was nice enough to add, "Oh yeah, Jesus saves." Yes, He truly does and I believe that with all my heart.

Now here's the question. Did I ruin my witness to this guy with my dog comment? Or, more to the point, when I am at work and that word escapes, do I ruin my witness there? Does that negate all else I may say about God, Jesus and the Church? Does it damage what I may say or does it make me more real, more approachable?

I'm not perfect, but I do work on my language. I work on not saying everything that pops into my head. And I succeed in not saying a lot! Trust me. But other things...

What say you? How has your language changed since having kids? Better or worse? How is the internal monologue? Better or worse? What does mild swearing do to someone's witness? Do I need to eradicate it all or is it okay to Just Be Enough here?

Also, did you see my guest post yesterday? Please head over to Sometimes It's Hard to check it out, browse and enjoy other great pieces of writing there!

Also linking this with Thought Provoking Thursday.

Continuing the list of thankfulness 191-200

2011-10-24T22:23:00.000-04:00

As I talked about yesterday, I am slowly working my way through the book, One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I am also slowly making it through writing my own list of 1000 things for which I am thankful. Bit by bit I am seeing this exercise working it's way into my life. I often think, oh, I have to remember that one for my 1000 gifts list. Sadly, I often forget. Here is what my heart and mind can remember after a very long, busy, week, day, evening.

191. The warm feeling my home has as the days get shorter and a bit colder.

192. Running in this.

193. Wonderful scents of a candle hubby got me for our 7th anniversary yesterday.

194. Hubby doing bedtime routine so I could moderate #ppdchat.

195. New ideas on how the Lord might be able to use my journey with postpartum depression and anxiety to reach other mamas.

196. Friends who check in on me when I am sick.

197. Not feeling as sick at days end as I did at daybreak.

198. A simple, benign diagnosis of something that could have been so much more.

199. Neighbors who return our dog when he escapes the yard again.

200. Technology that allows me to reach others for education, work and edification.

What is on your list?

Reading Blog Hop

2011-10-23T12:50:00.001-04:00

I used to fly through books. One in a couple hours or, at the very least, in a weekend. I remember those days. I even indulged myself in one of those marathon weekends while we were camping this summer. I felt guilty. I buried my head in my book every chance I got. It was a murder mystery. Not at all uplifting but it was compelling enough to help me engage in something as I began a spiral back into the postpartum depression. That book might have been one of the few things to help keep me from a second hospitalization.

Most of the time, books take me forever to get through now. Kids don't really like to let you sit and read and not pay attention to them. And I'm too tired to read after they go to bed. My choices are read, blog or run. Right now the blogging or running get chosen most often. I'm not as grumpy about being interrupted when blogging as I am when interrupted by reading, and the mind clearing I get from running is priceless.

But I digress. I have been slugging my way through One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. On the surface, it's premise seems like a light read, but it is anything but. Ann walks the reader through her journey to see every day things worthy of praise and thanks, from the simple, the colors in a soap bubble, and the hard, the death of a child. As we run toward the moon in abandon, or we talk our child through the anger in their heart. As our thanks in all as worship and obedience to the Lord.

Her book is worth the work it is to read, but don't be lulled into thinking making a truly meaningful list of 1000 things to be thankful for is an easy read or task.

You can get your own copy here

One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are

By Ann Voskamp / Zondervan

Drawing heartbreaking beauty out of the simplest of details, Ann Voskamp invites you into her grace-bathed life of farming, parenting, and writing---and deeper still into your own life. Here you will discover a way of seeing that opens your eyes to ordinary amazing grace, a way of living that is fully alive, and a way of becoming present to God that brings you deep and lasting joy.

Join me tomorrow as I continue my thankful list.

Geoff Moore And The Distance - If You Could See What I See Lyrics

2011-10-23T06:04:00.001-04:00

Hubby and I have been married seven years. It is a joy to say that. I was sure I would never find someone who could love me and my health issues, Multiple Sclerosis, asthma, both of which are in remission and have been for several years. So glad my boyfriend, then fiance, could look past those things to see me.

The above song was in our wedding. Two of my cousins did an incredible job singing it.

And my very soon to be hubby cried. A girl can't ask for more than that!

taking a moment to relax at the reception before being announced as Mr. and Mrs.

A quick picture with my beloved cousin and maid of honor, Lisa.

You Know that Moment You Realize You're In Trouble???

2011-10-22T09:24:00.000-04:00

Daddy dressed me. I fed me!

Yeah, here it is! We are in big trouble. She won't let go to walk, but I'm sure some time today she will figure out how to get on this chair, and from there the table...

Please head over and see how you can pray for Ali and her family.

Tantrums and Life Lessons

2011-10-21T06:04:00.000-04:00

I am reflecting on the last week with Life Lessons. Come Join the Fun.

What did I learn this week? Hmmmm....has it really been one of those weeks where I just survive...there's got to be something...somewhere in this brain that wasn't there before...

1. This has been a week of temper tantrums from both Caitlyn and Sue. Wowzers. So this week has been a blur of screaming.

2. But in sharing with my midwife about Caitlyn's, she hit the nail on the head...Caitlyn is looking for our attention. Since starting school she is away from family the most she ever has been. The last couple days I have been intentionally giving her attention before the fit and voila', no fit. Also found out, in passing, her best friend at school moved away and is not there anymore. That might contribute to her stress.

3. Sue, on the other hand, is just 3, almost 4. I remember these were painful weeks last year with Caitlyn right before she turned 4. So we are dealing with them, and biding our time.

4. The new weapon in Sue's arsenal during a fit, "you're ugly, ugly, ugly." That kind of stung. 2 minutes later she was distracted by something and the fit ended quicker than it started. Whew.

5. My kids are hard taskmasters! Caitlyn knows I gave up sweets. And part of the reason is sugar overload makes me angry. Now, if she sees me eating something I ought not, "don't eat that, it's sugar, it will make you angry!" She's right and has saved me from lots of cheating. Let's not tell her there is sugar in the strawberry lemonades I have fallen in love with and treat myself to sometimes.

6. Running in the park is WONDERFUL. I love it. I am hoping to go tonight. We'll see...

7. And now it is time for me to get myself ready and run off to work...

Not Much To Say Tonight...Maybe You'll Enjoy This

2011-10-20T21:15:00.000-04:00

Been thinking about my dad today. He loved Hee Haw and this song.

And on a totally unrelated note, Sunday is my 7th anniversary. Any gift ideas for the hubby? I have no idea what to give him.

Sometimes It's Not So Hard--Weight Loss Wednesday

2011-10-19T07:35:00.000-04:00

I mentioned a few weeks ago that I was giving up diet coke, and had plans to give up caffeine and sugar sweets. I have actually done it. It has been over a month since my last diet coke. Yes, it really has. True Story, True Story. I still miss it, but I love making better choices for myself. And the other two haven't been as hard to give up as I thought.

Now if the weight would come off too...I have lost two pounds with all these changes. Sigh. But two pounds is better than gaining or being stuck. And I have to admit, I haven't watched my calories I replaced my vices with. I chose to work on those specific items and then tackle the others when the time seems right.

I made these changes for a few reasons; first and foremost for my mental health. I am 98% back to myself after a long 14 months with postpartum mood disorders. I desperately want that other 2% as well. IF making the dietary changes is what I need, then bring them on! And of course, secondly, I would like to lose some weight. I am down to pre-baby weight, and a little below for the first two pregnancies, but still have 14 lbs to go to get to pre-baby weight with Patrice. Sigh. Food choice by food choice, running step by running step it will come...I just have to stay the course..

Come see how others are staying the course at Weight Loss Wednesday.

One Year Later

2011-10-18T19:50:00.001-04:00

Today I had my last scheduled "mental health check" appointment with my midwife. It's been a slugging match and may continue to be at times, but for the most part, I am doing much better than previously in my battle with postpartum depression and anxiety. What a ride it has been.

Tonight is a great example of some of the changes. A year ago, I was desperately doing things with my girls. Not because I necessarily wanted to be so busy, but because the postpartum issues made it impossible for me to sit and relax without feeling like I was going to crawl out of my skin or start literally dissolving into tears.

A year ago, Caitlyn and I made a pie.

It was fun, but in between each step or anytime Caitlyn wasn't looking, I was fighting the rising panic and tears. Within days, I was hospitalized for the postpartum depression and anxiety.

But today, I made brownies with Sue and Caitlyn. And I am happy to report, I had to force myself to do so. I'm so tired I just want to sit.

Yes, sit. And do a bunch of nothing. I actually can do that...not well, but I've never been great at sitting; I am about as good at sitting as I was pre-postpartum issues.

I count it as great progress. Being tired and lazy is a success!

A year ago, or even a few months ago, I dreamed of the day I could put postpartum depression and anxiety behind me. I dreamed of pretending it never happened--but it did happen. I have received amazing help and support through this journey. I have found my voice here on the blog. I can't turn my back on all of this.

I will continue to blog and share my journey, and I am joining my friend Lauren, at My Postpartum Voice, in her dream to change world. Please read her vision and, I am begging you to, join us, by contacting people, suggesting places for us to contact, sharing your postpartum stories with other moms, lending your expertise in any way possible! Help us help other women find a way out of their very dark woods.

Please join me over at Thought Provoking Thursday.

Cider Mill Snapshots

2011-10-16T08:26:00.002-04:00

We went to a cider mill a couple weeks ago. And here are just a few of the pictures we took.

Linking up at What I Love. And Amy Blogs it All.

Please also stop and see how you can pray for my friend Ali.

Anger...Anger...Anger

2011-10-12T21:30:00.000-04:00

I experienced a new emotion earlier this week. I got angry. Okay, my husband will tell you that emotion is not entirely unknown to me. But it was new in the context of my postpartum depression and anxiety.

I got angry. Angry that it has been a year+ of fighting the darkness that is so often at the fringes of my heart and mind.

Angry that so much of this year has been spent trying to survive, fighting to thrive.

Disgusted angry at the time lost. The hours at work lost. The wonderful memories clouded with how I was fighting the depression and anxiety.

Sickened at the money and time spent to fight the depression and anxiety.

I was shocked by this anger, not because I haven't been frustrated through this journey, but because I have spent a lot of energy investing in my children so I wouldn't feel robbed of Patrice's first year; feeling blessed to have been able to bond so well with her in the midst of all else. I have opened up my story to encourage other women, I have been thrilled to see the Lord redeeming this time in my life as He has used it to bolster up other mamas. With all of this, I didn't know there was room for anger.

So one night I was engulfed with it. It lasted a few days. Just this boiling anger at the depression, the anxiety, at the long, long year. The anger was not directed at any person, there was no outlet for the anger. It truly put me in a new place, I could not do anything with this emotion, except feel it, ride the wave and see where it left me.

I'm still not sure where it left me. In truth it is not completely gone, but for the most part it is replaced by another emotion, and this one is even more foreign to me, because I can't name it. It's not anger, it's not sadness, not quite peace. It's just there.

And for right now, that is where I sit. In a bit of limbo. I am not completely out of the anxiety portion of the last year, but I am close. I am not totally myself, but I am getting there. I am not declaring victory over the depression and anxiety, but I am in a good place. A restful place.

Linking up with:

And with Joy in this Journey

Running in Beauty

2011-10-12T06:32:00.002-04:00

I went running tonight. To one of my very favorite places. It is an amazing park. Breathtaking. It is a place my hubby introduced me to last fall. And what a gift it has been. We went there a lot last fall. It was one place I felt refreshed, free, safe as the postpartum depression and anxiety ravaged my mind and heart. Hubby joked if I ever disappeared that's where he would look for me. He would be right.

It was a true joy to be there tonight, running physically, but not running from myself. As fall hit over the last few weeks, I have struggled with some of the crushing feelings of last year coming back. But thankfully, it has lightened the last week. Tonight I just got to soak in the feel of running in a beautiful place. At one point I was just feet from a deer that I startled; I got to see it sprint away from me.

Thank you Lord for the gifts of the beautiful weather, lovely colored leaves, being able to run, soaking it all in.

What is your healing place, where can you go to enjoy some moments of peace and quiet, places of beauty?

My Identity, My Depression

2011-10-11T06:34:00.002-04:00

I was recently chatting with someone and they mentioned sometimes they don't feel like thinking about their postpartum depression.

I know that feeling. Over the last year, there have been many times that I felt like it was all I could think about. How to survive it, how to hide it, how to treat it, how to wait it out. How it hurt, how it was changing me, how I didn't know who I was anymore.

Depression, by it's very nature, is draining. It puts such a weight on the person. It makes thinking, feeling and doing hard. Add to that the constant thoughts of the above, and it can literally engulf you.

But as much as it seems like it is swallowing you whole and changing your personality, you are not your depression. It is part of you, just like a cold is part of you...for a time. But it is not all of you, even at the depths. It is not all of you.

You are still a person who loves reading, or drinking nice wine, or eating pizza. You are still the person who loves to sew or bake or go running. One of the cruelest things about depression is how it often comes in and makes those things so hard, the things that bring joy become burdens. The darkness tries to take it all.

But even in a dark room, the things you can't see are still there. Your bed is in your room even when the room is dark and you can't see it. The couch is still in the living room even in the middle of the night when there is no light to illuminate it.

No matter how dark it seems in the rooms of your life, you are still there. And the beauty of it is, if you can grab those things you can't see, and bring them close to yourself, the outline begins to reappear. And even if it is only for a moment, there is a glimpse of those things you loved.

And just maybe, for that moment, you can push away a bit of the darkness, and reclaim a bit of yourself. Take that walk around the block. Work on that art project.

Doing those things will not "cure" the depression, but they give you a reminder, a moment to be able to see something worth fighting for, to remember, the depression is not all there is to you. The person you are is still there. Even just a brief glimpse can give hope. A moment of being able to breathe allows one to dig deep to find another ounce with which to fight.

Sometimes, all we need is that moment, that tiny breather to remember, the depression is not who we are, we do not have to believe all the lies the darkness tells. We will reemerge, changed yes, but as ourselves, whole and well worth the fight.

That's what I've been thinking about.

Multitude Mondays 180-190

2011-10-10T22:19:00.000-04:00

It is fall. And after much rain, the last week has been breathtakingly beautiful. Amazing. I've been able to enjoy running outside. The girls were able to go on a hayride and pick pumpkins as well as playing outside. I love having them play outside as I know soon enough it will be too cold for them to do so. Even now, darkness is falling very shortly after 7 pm.

But fall is spectacular. The amazing colors as the leaves change, the crispness in the air. The soups to cook and treats to bake. Yum.

Last fall was hard, oh so hard. It was when the postpartum depression and anxiety cloaked me in such darkness. October especially was hard. As I started medication, waited for it to work, found little relief, finally ended up in the hospital for a horrible 24 hours. It was hard.

I was afraid this fall would be stolen by memories. And there are some. There are moments that I feel life being sucked out of me again, but in general, I am thrilled to say I am doing well. I am able to employ my coping mechanisms and sometimes even, just shake off the blackness. And it is a glorious thing.

I am so thankful.

180. babies inching their way closer to taking that first independent step.

181. watching hubby glory in the cute things baby is learning.

182. seeing each of our children's personalities come through.

183. antibiotics working quickly.

184. a very approachable family doctor.

185. praying with my hubby.

186. little girls reminding me of prayer requests.

187. cute little girl jeans.

188. a resourceful hubby.

189. sweet, tasty fruit.

190. sales on yogurt.

What are you thankful for? Please come share.

Jump, Jump Fun

2011-10-08T09:56:00.000-04:00

We had a great time at a birthday party last week. It was at Bounce U.
Caitlyn was extremely outgoing and played with the other kids though most of them were several years older than her. Sue was a little more cautious and chose to bounce alone quite a bit. I think the weight of having the others bouncing around her was unsettling. She is only 26 lbs at almost 4 years old. Caitlyn, by about 45 minutes into it, said she was tired...I say that's not a bad thing!

Please head over to Ali's and see how you can pray for her family.

Postpartum Progress

2011-10-06T19:40:00.001-04:00

I have been in treatment for postpartum depression and anxiety for over a year now. It has been a long year. It has been good in so many ways. I have loved every minute with our three girls and I have met some amazing people because of the postpartum depression. One of the resources I found was Postpartum Progress.

It is an amazing website I have talked about many times. It has explanations for postpartum depression in "Plain Mama English", amazing articles addressing so many facets of this illness, stories of other women who have walked through this and survived!!!

It is an amazing site. I wish there were a way to get her info into the packets of information they send home with mamas after they have the baby.

And there is more than just that site. Katherine is a passionate advocate, writing and speaking about postpartum mood disorders. She walked through it and is there to help others do the same.

She has done it without making a single penny. She reinvests what she gets back into Postpartum Progress. Recently, she applied for, and received 501c3 status. I am excited to see what she can do with Postpartum Progress with ability to get funding for the work.

This week she kicked off the first fundraising effort for Postpartum Progress. She calls it Strong Start Day. Won't you visit her site and donate? Do it in honor of those mamas who have walked this road, do it so this resource is available for you when you have children, or your daughters have children. Postpartum Mood Disorders hit far and wide. Katherine hits back with help, information and support.

She helps mamas like me.

You can donate via paypal or by credit card. You can remain anonymous if you like. Help us get to the goal of $30,000.

Tons of Cuteness for Wordless Wednesday

2011-10-05T06:46:00.000-04:00

We were so excited to get a visit from our cousin and aunt this summer. It was a great day!!!

Forgiving Ourselves

2011-10-04T22:33:00.001-04:00

This is a good reminder for us all. I have always struggled with remembering all too well my sins, my failures and just dumb things I have done. Thinking to a setting or siutation brings all the emotions flooding back. I think it is part of what makes the postpartum depression and pospartum anxiety so hard to leave behind. I can think of a situation and/or memory and the feelings flood in, as if it were still that day. It happens with both good and bad memories, but more poignantly with failures, sins, pain. I don't think I am alone in this. Our minds and hearts torture us. Satan twists memories to make us doubt the Lord's forgiveness. We beat ourselves up. But we can have freedom. We can have forgiveness. Reach out for it. Accept it. Embrace it.

Will you reach out for it? Will you embrace it? Will you allow the Lord to give you His forgiveness? Will you forgive yourself?

Please come see what others have been thinking about.

Multitude Mondays 175-179

2011-10-03T22:02:00.001-04:00

I have a friend who is doing her family medicine residency at a local hospital. She is one of the sweetest people I have ever met. The friendship started with her and her hubby, who is also doing his residency, bringing us a meal after Patrice was born. They go to our church but we had somehow not met them. She was just weeks from delivering their first baby when they brought us dinner. As we talked to them, I wondered how she kept up the schedule of a resident with being pregnant. I couldn't deal with all 40 hours of my week. And how she had found time to cook for us, who were home with a new baby. How did she find time.

I remember them sitting there, so politely, watching our kids be absolutely crazy. They were nuts. Caitlyn was talking a mile a minute, Sue was climbing all over me and Patrice and managed to fall off the chair arm onto the floor. Tears ensued. In the midst of that I forgot to even ask her if she wanted to hold the baby. I told hubby after they left "good thing they are already expecting a baby or we might have scared them away from parenthood all together!"

But we didn't scare them away. She has become one of my closest friends. We are so looking forward to their son's first birthday in a couple weeks. She has been a great listener through the postpartum depression. She hasn't shyed away from the hard that is sometimes part of being around me this last year. But she also hasn't seen me only as my depression. We are moms. We are friends.

We get to chat at rare lunches and dinners, sometimes via text message and every once and a while we find time for a play date. Due to our schedules being very different, and hers being crazy demanding, we often don't see each other. And this week we definitely won't.

This week she is in Haiti working with other doctors to help those who need medical care. I am praying she has a safe trip; I know her skill and compassion will be a great blessing to those she meets. Won't you join me in praying for her and her team? Pray that Dr. L would have a great week, learning, teaching, helping, blessing others.

175. For friends, I am thankful.

176. To those who have listened to me cry and struggle without judgement, I am thankful.

177. Several have literally dropped what they were doing to come just be with me when things got very, very dark. Words can never express my thankfulness.

178. Beloved family members who took my girls in when I was hospitalized for the postpartum issues. Our gratitude will last til the ends of our days.

179. Text message upon text message truly kept me going when I saw no light in the darkness, no value in myself. Thank you for seeing value in me. Thank you for helping me fight for me.

Please join us in being thankful.

Holding Friends Close Again Today

2011-10-01T09:36:00.000-04:00

I can't imagine the loss of a child, at any age. Before birth, as a baby, young child or even as a grown adult. My heart breaks for every parent who outlives their child.

Today is again a memorial day for friends who said good bye too early.

I remember hearing from your mom that she was expecting, working on a cross stitch blanket for you, going to your baby shower, meeting you at a few months old, hearing and reading your parents journey of, first and foremost, loving you, seeing you struggle and ultimately having to say good bye.

I am honored to have been close to your parents in the excrutiating weeks toward the end. I thank the Lord for allowing me to walk this journey with your parents.

Know dear one, you are loved and missed, beyond words.

Again, please love on those in your life who have loved and lost a child whether through miscarriage, stillbirth, illness or tragedy.

5 Question Friday--It's Been A While

2011-09-30T20:19:00.001-04:00

There are tons of great blog hops on Friday: 5 Minute Friday, 5 Question Friday and Life Lessons. This week I am visiting...

(But make sure you check out those other ones too!)

1. Dream job...realistic and completely unrealistic.

I would love to be a midwife. I don't know if that is realistic or unrealistic. I really don't know. But I really wish I could do my education over and be a Certified Nurse Midwife.

2. Do you fart in front of your significant other?

I try not to. I try desperately not to, but I do not always succeed. Ugh.

3. What's the furthest you've ever traveled from home? How far and where was it?

Australia. It's like a 14 hour flight. I was traveling with a music group, Celebrant Singers, as an interpreter for the hearing impaired. Sign Language in Australia is not anything like American Sign Language, but it is still pretty and when given to the Lord can be used as a mode of worshipping Him. I did three tours with Celebrants, England, Australia and Alaska. What amazing experiences!

4. How do you celebrate birthday for your kids? Family only or friends? ... Alternate for those without kiddos: How did you celebrate birthdays as a kid?

Right now, we do a mix. We have a celebration with just our own family of 5 and a party with some of their friends, our extended family and our friends. At each age, my hubby says, this is the last party, right? Nope. Birthdays have always been something to celebrate in my family. And as a mom, I am seeing them more and more as a personal milestone. A way to mark how they are growing and changing, a way to celebrate their lives and our life as a family.

5. Fave thing about fall?

Just one, honestly? There are so many. The cooler temperatures that allow you to bake and cook more comfortably. Apple Pie. Soups and stews. The leaves changing colors. Hubby and my anniversary. Fall! Wonderful.

Can't figure out how, but I somehow grabbed the wrong questions...well I had fun answering them, so I'm going to leave those and do this week's too. So here's 5 more...

1. Do you apologize to your kids if you're wrong?

All the time. My kids get lots of opportunities to learn the importance of apologies and forgiveness. I sure wish I didn't give them so many opportunities, but you know...

2. Do you have a class ring, Letterman's jacket, or similar obscenely priced high school "must have"?

I have both high school and college class rings. I paid for both with my own money. And I'm glad I have them.

3. If you could be one age for the rest of your life, what age would you choose?

I think this age, 36. I am comfortable in this age. I love my life with my hubby and my three wonderful girls. The last year has been tough with the postpartum depression, but otherwise, it has been fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.

4. What is your favorite (unused) baby name?

We've had the same boy name picked out since we first started talking about kids, Levi. As you can see from our family, we have not yet had opportunity to use it. Only the Lord knows if we ever will.

5. If you could make your child like something what would it be?

Obeying. Yes, I would have them like obeying. It would cover so many other things. If they liked obeying they would not fight. They would clean their rooms, they would eat their dinner. They would give mama a break when she needs one. They wouldn't throw fits. Yes, obeying would be a great thing for them to like.

Phone Photo Fun

2011-09-28T07:09:00.000-04:00

Nope, I did not switch to an iPhone, but a twitter note I saw said any phone photos qualify...

This one is an oldie but a goodie...A ride on Sandy!

Caitlyn on her first day in her new class

The skirt mama made

Patrice in her first cart ride!

Love to Heaven and Back

2011-09-27T06:53:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl. I never got to meet you and hold you this side of Heaven. But know, I, along, with your mommy and daddy, love you and wish you were here. You are loved sweet girl. I count it a privilege and honor to know your parents and love you along with them.

Please love on those in your life who have loved and lost a child, through miscarriage, stillbirth, illness or tragedy.

Multitude Mondays 168-174

2011-09-26T22:44:00.000-04:00

Tonight we went for a walk as a family. At the beginning, I didn't really want to go. I was enjoying a conversation on twitter and didn't want to engage in "real life". But it is a beautiful fall day here and soon...well, it won't be. So off we went.

Sue started off holding my hand. I love the feel of her hand in mine. Those wonderful fingers, holding on, feeling warm in mine.

After a while, she went up to daddy and Patrice, and Caitlyn settled in next to me.

Caitlyn told me about school, and what bullies are. We talked about what to do about bullies. It was a long conversation trying to help her understand what to do or say if someone is bullying her. Then she told me about the boy who got sent home from school for making noises with "this part of his arm" (also known as the armpit). I don't know if he actually got sent home for that, but she insisted he did. We talked about the treasure box she made with daddy and how she was going to put her blankie in there. And we talked about her being grouchy with all of us at home because she is tired from school...and what we could maybe do about that...

I almost wished this moment away. What a loss it would have been. To my daughters and to me. I cannot always be with them. And sometimes I choose poorly when I am with them, but thankfully, the Lord gets ahold of me and reminds me to be with them, to hear them, to know them, to love them.

For this I am thankful.

168. Precious times with my family

169. Wonderful hugs when seeing a friend at church

170. Waking up from a bad experience and realizing it was just a dream

171. Candor of little tongues

172. Hearing little voices say their Bible memory verses

173. Smell of fall

174. People challenging me to better myself

Come share what you are thankful for at A Holy Experience. Or just come read what Ann has written. It will make your heat and soul swell with joy and pain.

It is Fall!!!! And we welcomed it at Yates Cider Mill

2011-09-24T17:50:00.001-04:00

Hubby and I have been going to Yates Cider Mill since we were dating. It is not really big, it is just the right size and it has a wonderful river you can sit by and walk along.

We enjoy taking the girls there each year (seems like there are more of them every time we go!).

Just had to share this one again!

*Please go over and see how you can pray for Ali and her family.

Update on Transitions and Life Lessons

2011-09-23T06:35:00.001-04:00

This week has been good. Full and busy, but I think the giving up diet coke has helped me overall. I feel a lot better, more in control of my emotions. I am looking forward to other changes to my diet, to see if I can get things even better.

1. We are transitioning to new childcare, which has been wonderful. Sue and Patrice love the new person we have. I love being able to get Caitlyn out the door and me to work. Much less stress.

2. It requires us to clean the house daily, but we are keeping up with it. And it is nice having a clean house.

3. Someone has slept really well the last two nights. I am not talking about who. I have slept decent. I am really hoping for better sleep this weekend.

4. I figured out what was wrong with our dishwasher. I am feeling very proud of myself.

5. One of my bosses at work paid me a big compliment. That will get people far with me. I will bust my butt for someone who says thank you or pays me a compliment.

6. Drop off at school has been good this week. Monday was Caitlyn's first day in a new classroom, so they invited the parents to come in. I did. She cried. Twice. The rest of the week has been "dump and run." She waves as she runs to the door. Wonderful!

7. I heard, through twitter, that Hyland Teething Tablets are back on the market. A friend found some and is mailing them to me. Now I can quit hoarding my recalled ones and give Patrice the tablets to help with teeth.

8. The relief they give kids was worth ignoring the recall. I figured two kids had been fine on them, and they weren't recalled for anything in them, it was because they weren't uniform in how much was in each tablet, so I still used the ones left over from Sue. And felt kind of sneaky about it, like I was breaking the rules. Yeah, I'm a rebel.

9. We went to the cider mill yesterday. Glorious. The donuts, the cider, the walk along the river on the tree lined path. I'm very glad we went.

10. And this picture just seems appropriate for linking with Life with Baby Donut.

Trying To Find

2011-09-22T06:11:00.001-04:00

Time is in short supply. I have three little girls. That makes the main hobby in this house being mommy. (and my blog). Beyond that, I just don't have time for too much. My hubby is good to send me out running. Really good, but even that only happens sometimes. I am actually looking for another race to make sure I keep that a priority.

But lately, I have been thinking about other projects I want to do. One of the main things I miss is sewing. I want to make skirts for my girls. Pretty basic skirts. Caitlyn has one she just loves. I had ones like it growing up that I loved. I totally get it. But hers is worn and has started to tear, so I really want to make her another one. It is a very flowy skirt, full and long. Like a broom style, but not scrunched up. It reminds me of a peasant or a gypsy.

I have been searching and searching on-line, but just can't find what I am looking for. I have some skirt patterns and have measured her waist, but I can't decide how much I should double it for the fullness I want. 3 times, 4 times.

My plea for opinions went out on twitter and facebook. One friend sent me a "pinned" project from pinterest. I looked and it was so close. So I dove in, I asked for an invite to this group. A twitter friend sent one my way. So I searched. And came up with nothing. I am so confused, I have no idea what I am doing. I'm tempted to keep trying, but at the same time, I know I am very tired, I've been awake since 3 am and it is now 8 pm; I am going to put it aside for today and keep looking tomorrow.

But trust me, if you are on pinterest or just have a great pattern, I will take all suggestions. I would love to make this skirt this weekend...

Things I Can't Think About

2011-09-21T07:36:00.000-04:00

I've been seeing this blog hop, or meme, pop up around twitter. So I thought I would try it...

I had this baby, yup, I did, 13 1/2 months ago and she is crazy amounts of wonderful.

yes, she's sitting in the dog bowl, holding the bowl that belongs in that spot

Adding her to our family was awesome. The ensuing postpartum depression and anxiety has been, well, a little less awesome, but a learning experience. And recently I have been learning about triggers. They are, loosely defined, things that can cause a step backward in the depression recovery journey. And those darn things seem to be everywhere.

I am doing much better, but there are things that keep popping up. Things I can't think about much, or at all, without a tailspin. It is exhausting keeping the mind away from those issues. I'm going to risk a rough time by laying them out here. I am hoping by naming them, they will lose some power.

I can not think much about Patrice's birth. It was amazing and wonderful, but I have a lot of feelings of failure associated with using pain meds during her birth. I love talking about her birth, but at the same time, it is such a quagmire of emotions, I have pushed it further and further away.

I have a hard time with the news. Listening to conversations or news reports about the economy are huge button pushers. I know things are bad. I know where I live. It has just become part of our psyche. But I do my darndest to not talk about it or listen to conversations about it.

A new one, the season of fall. This time last year things were going crazy out of control for me. Bad. October 1 will be one year since I started medication to try and control the depression and anxiety. And it is fall here. And a wonderful time of the year, but right now, I am being careful about where I let the sights, sounds and smells take me mentally.

Mentally, I can not revisit my time in the hospital for the postpartum issues. That 24 hours was bad. The anger and sadness I end up with when I think about it...not good for me. Not good at all. I had bad care with poorly informed doctors who did nothing to help me.

I have to stay the heck away from news stories about mom's who hurt their babies due to postpartum issues. Wow. That one is so bad. There are not words.

Thank you for letting me pour out my heart about the things that can cause a rough postpartum day. Thankfully, I am learning to identify these issues, steer away from them and reach out for help when they get to be too much. One day at a time, I am getting better. Much better.

Check out what others are pouring their hearts out about.

Weight Loss Wednesday...Putting My Toes Back In

2011-09-20T22:45:00.000-04:00

So, I am putting my toes back into the weight loss journey. Not by crazy amounts, but here is my beginning...I gave up diet coke last Tuesday.

That may not sound like much, but let me tell you...it was hard!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have fought it for years. So many people would tell me how much I needed to, but I just didn't buy it. Well, even if I did, I shut up that voice inside with another diet coke. Loved the stuff.

Lately,

A co-worker has been encouraging me to give it up. A trusted friend told me how it helped her emotionally when she gave up aspartame. All the reasons collided and I finished one last diet coke last Tuesday. I've also cut out aspartame as a sweetner. I am sticking with splenda...and even getting away from that a little. And I do feel better.

Next to go? Caffeine. Last week I switched to caffeinated tea to tide me over with my caffeine from the diet coke, but the thing is, I don't like the taste as much and I think it needs to go too. That will be more gradual...I'm going to cut my tea 50/50 then switch it all over.

Then...oh my hubby is going to be thrilled to find out...sweets go next. He has been on board for the diet coke. I'm smart enough to not mess with his 1-2 cups of coffee a day...we'll see how we do on sweets. I'm not sure the whole family will join me there, but we can do better.

And somewhere in these changes I will find an eating plan that works for me.

And then I will be all in!

I think taking these little steps will make for longer term success. That is how I would encourage someone else, choose one thing to change, then another, and another. And I would encourage you to join us for weight loss Wednesdays.

Multitude Mondays after Anxiety 151-167

2011-09-19T20:36:00.000-04:00

Do you ever have a time where life just has you pensive? Not sad, not stressed, just pensive? I think that is where I am right now. I had a bout of anxiety Friday night and into Saturday that made emotions and feelings very scattered and intense. Those spells make me feel very out of control. Through some great support from on-line friends, I came through it and by Sunday afternoon things were much better. It left me a little spent, a little pensive. And it actually feels good. Life lately has been a ball of changes and adventures. I did a big race. my oldest started school, and we changed our daycare after 4 years with the same "grandma". It has been a lot. So pensive is good, great actually.

For this, I am thankful.

151. Pensiveness, quietness.

152. First school projects

153. Brightly colored chair and carpet squares in the kindergarten classroom.

154. Support available with just one tweet with the hashtag #ppdchat

155. Introducing my family to Nutella.

156. Babies blowing kisses at mama.

157. Hearing a little one saying mama so clearly.

158. A school principal who returns e-mails at all hours, and tells me "Yay Mama!"

159. New childcare that is clicking well with our family.

160. Pink puffy clouds.

161. Support and encouragement in giving up my diet coke/aspartame addiction.

162. Little girls learning Bible verses for Awana.

163. Hubby willing to volunteer in Bible Club.

164. Nights that baby lets me sleep.

165. Baby giggles in the night when she doesn't let me sleep.

166. Having much to be thankful for.

167. The ears of my heart to hear those things for which I am thankful.

These are just some of the things I am thankful for. What makes your heart sing? Won't you share?

A Whole New Realm--Homework

2011-09-18T16:00:00.001-04:00

As I mentioned, our oldest, Caitlyn started kindergarten this year. That has brought lots of new things. This weekend it brought...homework.

The teacher provided brown and green construction paper for us to make a family tree. Daddy commented, when he saw the information for the project, Caitlyn, you have a big family, your tree will be very full. Our girls have lots of aunts and uncles and cousins. Lots.

But we had limited room. The base of the tree was tracing her arm from elbow, up and around her open fingers to make the limbs. We did that, then I sent her out to get a leaf we could use to trace to make ours.

I think the ones we made look like oversized sperm, but the jury was split on this.

I had Caitlyn help me with tracing and cutting. She did not do all of it, but she did at least half. I wrote the family names on the leaves. (I only went to the aunt and uncle level) She did all the gluing, and loved it. And we talked about who was on each leaf, as she will have to present about it at school this week.

The whole time I stressed. Was I having her do enough? Too much? Should we make it fancier?

And I sent this tweet part way through:

"I am headed down a slippery slope. I'm looking at daughter's homework and realizing it is not going to be as good as the work other ppl do."

I was, sadly, not clear in what I was trying to communicate. My doubts and struggles are not with her work. I know she definitely at, if not above, her grade level in her arts and crafts skills. My concern was with me. Was I having her do enought, too much? Would other parents do more of the work so she would feel like hers was not as good?

Honestly, I still don't know. Hubby had some questions about it today when he saw it. He's concerned she might not be able to talk about it. This could completely stress me out. I want to help Caitlyn get off on the right foot. I want to do this parent-of-a-school-age child gig, perfectly, but I don't know what that is, so we will all have to learn together. And in the learning, we will Just Be Enough.

I am linking this post with Just Be Enough.

Read A Book Time for Saturday Snapshots

2011-09-17T08:50:00.000-04:00

*Please hop over and see how you can pray for my friend Ali.

A Wordy Wordless Wednesday--Kicking a Habit

2011-09-14T20:43:00.001-04:00

Patrice with grandma "2 Doggies" at her first birthday party

I am very proud of my mama. I always am. But recently she has given me another reason to be proud and has been part of my inspiration to make a hard change in my life.

My mom has loved her pepsi for as long as I can remember. Truly. One of my earliest memories is waking up in the middle of the night sick and my mom running back and forth between my room and hers with a glass bottle of pepsi in her hands. In the midst of me getting sick it got spilled on the carpet...anyway...

Over the years she switched from pepsi to diet pepsi. I was not allowed to drink pop. I was told, it was okay for adults and when I grew up I could drink it. And I did, but I chose diet coke.

Love that stuff. Seriously.

I heard from people over the years about it's negative health impacts. Some I believed, some I did not. And that is still the case. I thought about giving it up, but it was my one vice. So I kept on.

But I recently watched my mom kick her multiple pops a day habit and achieve other great outcomes in her life.

It got me to thinking.

Then a friend I trust shared how kicking her diet pop habit had helped her...and I was even more intrigued. But man I didn't want to give it up...so as a last ditch vote, I sent an e-mail to my midwife to get her opinion. She said "in a perfect world I don't think any of us should, or would drink it."

Man, there went my out...

So yesterday I finished one last diet coke and haven't had one since.

This change has me thinking about other healthy changes in my life. But for right now, I am working on this one...we'll see where it goes from there.

What health changes have you made? How has it impacted your life?

Sunday Sillies with Sue

2011-09-11T16:50:00.000-04:00

Our heart and prayers are with those who worked to save lives or lost loved ones 10 years ago when terrorists struck at our homeland.

Life around here gets very sweet and silly. Last week Sue had a night where she really turned on the charm. She and Caitlyn went to bed. Caitlyn fell right to sleep. Kindergarten is a lot of work, you know. But Sue had a nap that day and she wasn't very tired.

This had happened a few weeks ago, and daddy told her to "count sheep." So this time, we heard a little noise coming from their room. Hubby crept to their door. He got to hear Sue, "97, 98, 53...it's not working." Again, "97, 98, 53...it's not working." We were so tempted to go in and get her and just let her cuddle on the couch with us. As I went to bed I told hubby, "if you get her up I wouldn't blame you at all." I don't know how he resisted the temptation.

During the whole bedtime process that night she had said, "I'm going to sleep with you mommy and daddy." No, you're not, we said several times.

After a few hours of sleeping, Patrice woke up...and who did I find in our bed at 2:30 am? Yup, Sue. She said she was going to sleep with us...

I fed Patrice, and she was sleepy, so I put her back in her bed. She started to cry. I thought maybe she would fall asleep...as she cried, Sue said, "sing her your song mommy." When I didn't start singing, Sue did. "Go to sleep. Jesus loves you. Go to sleep, Jesus loves you." It was such a precious moment, I was kind of ok losing sleep because of my two youngsters wakefulness!

*I hope you enjoy this collection of pictures of Sue from 2011. I have so many but these seem to really embody my beautiful 2nd born!

Saturday Snapshots--Camping Edition

2011-09-10T07:33:00.002-04:00

We spent the holiday weekend camping, Up North, way Up North, in Mackinaw City, at the top of the Lower Peninsula.

Hubby and I haven't been there since he proposed a little over 7 years ago...This trip was definitely different.

We were pulling a camper, went later in the summer and, oh yeah, had three little girls with us! Our three little girls!

This is a live statue. The girls want to know how he gets the paint off his body...

The beach, Lake Huron, was CHILLY

Nummy, nummy, nummy

hanging out in the park where daddy proposed to mommy 7 years ago

Both trips to Mackinaw, today and 7 years ago, were magical!

Waiting for mama to finish her race

Please continue to pray for my friend Ali

.And check out her pictures!

What I Wish for My Children

2011-09-09T19:37:00.001-04:00

When each of my girls was born, as soon as they put the baby on my chest or, in Patrice's case, after being cleared by the doctor, I said to them, "We love you and we pray you come to know Jesus as your Lord and Savior very young. That's all that matters."

And it is as true now, 5 years and 1 month since the first was born, as it was during those first moments.

I pray every morning "I pray you come to know Jesus very young and never let go, hang on to that forever."

But I also have other wishes and hopes for them.

I hope they will grow up to meet a man who loves and cherishes them, and that they have lovely families (my husband and children are the greatest joys of my life). I hope they find their calling in this world, be that full-time ministry, stay-at-home mom or out in the career arena.

In the area of friendship, I hope they find friends like I have, those you don't have to see or talk to every day to have an amazing support team, those friends who will share the minutae of life, face-to-face friends and social media friends.

I hope they grow up comfortable in their own skin. I hope hubby and I do not project our hang-ups or fears on them. I hope we encourage and help them to spread their wings and find their own way.

And oh what an adventure it will be watching them get there. The adventure it already is...

Seeing Caitlyn head off to school, Sue adjust to being the big girl in the family when sissy is gone and watching Patrice smile and laugh her way toward toddlerhood...so much to see and do, and this is only the beginning for all of us!

*all pictures from Caitlyn's first day of school.

What do you wish for your kids? Link up at Life with Levi.

Also linking at Some Girls Website

Just a Couple Days Ago...

2011-09-08T21:47:00.001-04:00

This was just a couple days ago, right? It was just a couple days ago we had our first daughter, right?

Our first bloody peek? Tell me it was, please tell me it was just a few days ago...
No, you won't comfort this mama with a lie? You're going to make me face it, face the truth that a few days ago we did this...

We headed to our first day of Kindergarten on Tuesday, September 6...

Honest to goodness...my first baby went to Kindergarten this week...

Look at her. Isn't she amazing? She is doing so well in school. She is learning the ropes. She is coming home with new ideas every day. She is making new friends. Today she told me, "I made 4 new friends." "What are their names?" "I don't know." Ahhh, this might be why childhood seems simpler, no concern with the extra details, like names.

This has been a challenging week for mama. Today, for the first time Caitlyn cried when I dropped her off for school. Sobbed really. Sobbed til there was snot running down her nose. I know, I know, she was done before I even got out of the school, but it was still hard. I realized that for the first time in her life, since those pictures taken above, that I could not check on her to make sure she was okay. She was in a completely different world...one I can't shape or control.

Since the moment those pictures above were taken, I have been haunted by the thought that my job, from that moment, was to raise her to leave me. From that moment, the midwife and nurses needed her, her daddy could now share in her. I cried daily for the first 5 months of her life that she was growing up so much. Hey, I did, just being honest here. Before I even went back to work, I hyperventilated in Target because my baby was growing up. Yeah, I'm kind of a sap.

Well, this week was the first time I really had to let her out of my control. We have always chosen our daycare very carefully so that we would have as much control as possible. And minimized the time our kids were away from us, but now, we are in a new realm. Someone else has decided how much of the day she is away from us, they are teaching her new things, and while we are involved, we are more support staff.

I'm not sure I like it, well I'm pretty sure I don't. But at the same time, I like watching her learn. I love seeing her come home excited over the new things she is seeing and doing. I loved seeing her owl picture she colored on the first day. And the book she colored and put together today. And the air of independence she is getting. It is amazing.

So, as I have been many times since that first picture was taken, I am a conflicted ball of thoughts and feelings. And while it's not exactly comfortable, it is where we are, so, for now, it will have to be Enough.

Actual Bridge Run Results

2011-09-06T11:41:00.000-04:00

Ahhh, the day after has arrived. I survived my race yesterday across the Mackinaw Bridge.

I ran from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan to the Lower Peninsula of Michigan.

I was reminded again what a beautiful state we live in!!!

The first 1/2 is uphill. It is a gradual hill, but it is definitely up!

Watching the sunrise over the lake was AMAZING

That blur is the finish line...and there were people in front of me, but they don't really show here...

I finished in 57 minutes and 13 seconds. My pace was 13:04 per mile and I finished 242 out of 247. I knew I passed at 3 people, but there were actually 5 behind me!!! That is amazing.

1,077.48 miles were run by the whole group.

41 minutes 23 seconds was the average finishing time.

142,639 calories were burned in that one event.

I must admit, I have never been so sore as I was afterward, but I did it. I ran every step. That was my longest race and I did it!!!! In the allowed time! And my three girls and marvelous hubby got to see me come across.

All of this is from a woman who 10 years ago was in and out of a wheelchair, was told at one point the doctors didn't know when she would walk again.

Glory to God for His mercy on my life.

*pictures were taken with my cell phone as I ran, sorry they are blurry and just think how fast I could have run without those pictures, but wasn't it worth those extra seconds to be able to see them??

Running Away

2011-09-05T07:04:00.001-04:00

So today is the big day! The race I talked about here, is TODAY!

5:30 am begins the adventure. I have to board a bus to go across the bridge to the upper peninsula of Michigan. Then to run 4 1/2 miles to the other side...

Here's hoping I can do it in the allowed time!

I'll pop in later with pictures!

Saturday Snapshot Fun

2011-09-03T06:55:00.001-04:00

Look at me climb!

Yeah, I'm cute

Getting a story read with our cousin

Hi Praying Mantis

Recent storm damage made daddy Mr. Lumberjack

Please also head over to my friend Ali's to see how you can pray for them.

Love Drop #9

2011-09-02T06:16:00.000-04:00

This month we’re rallying behind Melanie, a wonderful mother of four who recently got hit by a car while walking near her home outside of Boston. We are all so thankful she pulled through, but now the long road to recovery begins – and with that comes many unforeseen expenses.

Go here to see her video.

Our mission is to help customize her home to her new physical limitations. The three things she could really use right now are a front-loading washer and dryer, as well as a new stove with front controls so she can continue providing for her family. She still remains extremely positive, but it’s going to be a tough time for a while.

Let’s surprise her with an AWESOME Love Drop this month!

Goal: $3,000

Get involved!

Melanie is wheelchair-bound right now, and unfortunately can’t stand or even put any weight on her legs. This, along with her broken pelvis, makes it very difficult to not only get around her house, but also do some of the things she enjoys the most (like cooking – she’s a big foodie). Surprising her with these new appliances would be HUGE! She can get back to living as close to her “normal” life as possible, without having to rely on others helping her out as much.

If you can’t give a few bucks, perhaps you have a contact or two that could help get these appliances donated? Any money saved will go right to other improvements needed around the house :) Together we can make a bigger impact!

Why We’re Helping This Family

As a coupon blogger, Melanie is no stranger to giving back, often using her money-saving abilities to help out others in the community. This month we’re happy to be bringing together people who care to help get her house ready for the upcoming stretch of rehab and recovery.

It looks like it might be ten months to a year until she’s fully back to normal, so any investment we can make in getting her house usable during that time will be much appreciated.